One Sick Mother

New Adventures in Food

Grace announced a few weeks ago that has been having stomach cramps and gas shortly after meals. She thinks she might be lactose intolerant. Himself's first question was "are any of your friends lactose intolerant?" The answer to this was yes. Of course, yes! This is America in the 21st century. So Himself chalked it down to an attention thing. Or a 'fitting in' thing. But not a digestive thing.

I wasn't so sure. Grace has known this other girl for years and her lactose intolerance had been a source of pity rather than awe.  After all, what kid is envious of a girl who can't eat icecream? 

 So we cut out dairy and made a doctor's appointment. Cutting out dairy helped ...somewhat, but not as much as I'd hoped. I figured maybe there was hidden dairy in some of the foods to which she reacted. 

Then -after weeks (hoilday season)- the doctor finally called back with the results of her celiac panel. "All clear except one test. I'd like you to try her without gluten for awhile and see how she does"

Like it's that easy.

I broke the news to Grace. She was OK with no bread. She could live with no pasta. However the prosptct of losing cookies, banana bread and brownies made her face fall. We concentrated on stuff she can have (remember we are still holding off on dairy for now): rice, corn, beans, meat, fish eggs, chicken, salads; all fruits and vegetables. "Oh!" she said. "Thats' a very healthy diet."

Indeed it is.

I would have liked more time to plan. I am a decent cook, but a lot of my fearlessness in the kitchen comes from always having a plan B. If my latest experiment is inedible to one or both kids, I can throw together a noodle bowl or defrost one of my more edible creations in just a few minutes. Or if all else fails, we can run to Wendys. 

So I would have liked time to build up  a few solid dishes that I can make with my eyes closed; to find a few alternative culinary safety nets  and to explore some of the substitutions/sites. I had found that an oil-based roux worked almost as happily as a butter based one, but now I have to cook without a roux to bail me out. Little things like that.

On Monday, Grace came home complaining that her stomach has hurt after both breakfast and lunch. I know what she had for breakfast. I had cooked it. There had been no dairy, but she had eaten bread. And her lunch was the same: dairy-free but on a hamburger bun. 

So I decided right then to just go gluten free and wing it. Pulled a stew out of the freezer for dinner and changed plans for the rest of the week. We've been eating a lot of rice.  Paella and risotto were on the menu so far this week. I already found a refrigerator standby for Grace: an Italian white-bean salad.  So if she doesn't like my dinner, she won't starve. I found soem gluten-free bread to keep in the freezer too, but I plan to make my own.

I choose to look at this as an opportunity to explore new food horizons, rather than whine about stuff we can't eat. There will be plenty of Indian food in our future, too. And tasty Thai rice noodles. Lots of people live just fine without eating lasagna. Not Garfield, of course.

...but he's a cartoon.

I'l try adding dairy back into Grace's diet soon. If she doesn't react that will be a great thing. Ice cream  and yogurt will be back on the menu for her.  

The baking thing, though: I'll have to figure that one out. But it's an adventure, not a challenge, Right?

RIGHT?

The Best Parenting Advice I Ever Received

When Joe was first identified as having special needs, we did the typical kneejerk reaction of doing All The Research and implementing All The Services. We placed him in a special preschool and we dutifully attended all of the meetings, seminars, support groups, playgroups and other activities as much as we possibly could.

Joe made zero progress at that place and we removed him after a year.

However, Himself and meself learned a lot about parenting a special needs child. Or any child, actually, as the same stuff -a lot of which is plain common sense-  works for typical kids, too. So we don't consider that year wasted at all. Joe made no progress, but we made HUGE progress, which of course, benefitted both kids over the long term. 

The particular advice referenced in the title was learned in a seminar on special needs parenting. I can't remember the woman's name, which is unfortunate as I think I owe her my sanity. I would like to have credited her with that.  

The advice went like this:

"Think very carefully before you say "No"".

She then expanded: ""No" can turn into a battle very easily and come down to a battle of wills; a quest for control. If there is any way that you might be browbeaten and harrangued into changing your mind, just say "yes" upfront. That way you retain control of the situation and are still the boss."

The other part of this -an essential part- is the conditional yes.

"Mom? Can I have a cookie?"

"Sure! Right after  you finish your dinner"

So not saying no, but placing a condition and onus on the kid.

That seminar was probably 12 years ago and I have lived this advice for all that time. It has worked well for me. There have definitely been times when "no" has been n the tip of my tongue, but I asked myself  do I really want to do this now? Do I really want to have a Big Battle over this insignificant-in-the-greater-scheme-of-things ...thing NOW? And the answer was usually "No". No I didn't want that battle. So I said "yes". And the world didn't end because I caved. Mainly because the kid didn't know that I'd caved. He (or she) just heard "yes" and went off happy.  

People might think this approach turns you into a complete pushover. It doesn't. The kids learn when they can ask for stuff and they learn that there are usually responsibilities to fulfill before they get stuff.  It also makes for a lot less fights and power struggles. And of course, I will still say "no" to the big stuff and stand my ground quite happily on those issues. It's mainly the small stuff that's a default "yes". I pick my battles.

And because the default word in our house is "yes" rather than "no"; this makes for an overall more positive environment. These things are pervasive.

Finally,  -at least once- this parenting trick provided a stranger in the supermarket with a good laugh. Grace was then around three:

"Mom can I have a puppy?"

"Sure! When you're 35."

"OK!" (happy).

 

Natural Herbs Clinic: Scam

Well, it’s been a while since I brought any news scams to your attention. I had gotten a bit tired of the whole business, to tell you the truth. It's quite soul destroying and generally unaffirming.  Also, the amount of work involved with keeping up with scammers is quite daunting. However, I happened upon a new scam recently, which I thought you should know about.

Natural Herbs Clinic claims to treat a number of very tricky-to-treat medical conditions, from hair loss (Alopecia), to cancer (Waldenstrom’s Macroglobulinemia) and a bunch in between (hello, Motor Neuron Disease).

How Do I Know It’s A Scam?

Well first, let’s look at a legitimate company and take some notes on what characterizes them: We’ll look at Nature made, which most of you will probably recognize.

You see this stuff on shelves in pharmacies and supermarkets. It is sold on Amazon. More importantly, take a look at the very bottom of the site and you will see this:

© 2002-2011 Pharmavite ® LLC. All Rights Reserved

Oh Look! A company name! And if I follow that, I get a website with a corporate address, phone numbers, hours of operation and all sorts of other information:

In other words: Accountability

If I take some of their product and it makes me sick or dead, my lawyer can find them in order to sue them.  And if my lawyer can’t do that; well, they are an American company producing dietary supplements, therefore, Pharmavite is answerable to the FDA. So if they do make me sick or dead, I can sic the FDA on them. Or my beneficiaries can, at least.

How are Natural Herbs Clinics not accountable? Well, they fail a few basic tests: There is no registered corporation associated with this site (who do I sue if it hurts me?). Here is their contact "information":

I used to live in the United Kingdom, and I can assure you of this: That is not a valid mailing address.

So again, they have absolutely no accountability. You can e-mail them until you’re blue in the face, but e-mails are very easily deleted.

Where’s the corporation name and registration details?

Where's the phone number?

How about office hours?

Or maybe the name of someone to contact?

Do we even know in wehich country they are bases? They say the UK, but it coudl be Pakistan, Somalia or Timbuktu for all we really know. 

Nothing. There is nothing here except a website, a PayPal account and an e-mail address. All of these can be shut down in a few hours. It all screams “fly-by-night” to me.

 

Scammy Scam Scam.

The other way I know this site is a scam is because I recognize a lot of the language, ingredients and other factors therein. The people running this site have been taking lessons from the people running other sites I have outed as scams. Maybe they are the same people? I don’t know.

And lastly, I know it’s a scam because (...oh God). Because I READ it. Without blinkers. Without blind hope that it will cure me of anything! I read it dispassionately and objectively. Let me break down some of the wording from the …let’s pick one: …Alopecia (may as well start at the top) page. And let's start by saying the language, grammar, and syntax doesn't sound very UK to me at all. It reads very English-is-not-my-first-language. Here goes with an example:

Our herbal formula has been designed and formulated to live up to your rations and cure this disorder of irregular hair loss on the skin and scalp. This formula has been produced after a detailed research done on the herbs that have been used to formulate this herbal formula. Every ingredient used in the product is herbal and involves no harsh chemicals. The medication is suitable for all and shows results within 20 to 25 days without causing any side effects to other parts of the body. This herbal formula has been administered by experts working round the clock to invent treatment options for every identified disease in the universe.

See what I mean about the English? Let's break it down some more:

Our herbal formula has been designed and formulated to live up to your rations

Huh? 

AmIright?

… and cure this disorder of irregular hair loss on the skin and scalp.

Cure. They said “cure”. Not treat. Cure. Now, stop and actually think for a minute: Don’t you think, if they actually had a cure for Alopecia (or cancer) that this would be NEWS somewhere? Like in the UK, where they claim to be based? But it isn’t. Hmmmmmm.

This formula has been produced after a detailed research done on the herbs that have been used to formulate this herbal formula.
Yes. Because nutmeg is so linked to hair retention in the research. …NOT.

Every ingredient used in the product is herbal and involves no harsh chemicals.
Yeahright. We’ll get to that later

The medication is suitable for all and shows results within 20 to 25 days without causing any side effects to other parts of the body.
Suitable for all. …ALL? Seriously? Babies? pregnant women? Nursing mothers? The elderly? ...regardless of other medical conditions (diabetes, heart disease, high blood pressure…)? Regardless of ANY medications you might be on (MAO inhibitors, anyone)? And no side effects whatsoever? Not in anyone, ever? Not even some constipation? Maybe a little dry mouth?

AN ITCHY BUM?

NOTHING????? REALLY???

So it's a full-on cure with no side effects whatever. Somebody call Rupert Murdoch, because this is a first in the entire history of medicine.  

This herbal formula has been administered by experts working round the clock to invent treatment options for every identified disease in the universe.
I don’t believe this for a second. Show me the proof, Natural Herbs Clinic. Publish the address of your research and development team. Show me the names and credentials of these 'round the clock' eager scientific beavers. How about published research, peer reviews and oversight? And speaking of oversight: Who regulates your manufacturing and quality control to ensure no contaminants get into the product?

And then there are the little quirks and inconsistencies all over the site –just this Alopecia page –not just the entire site. My favorite?

In order to see the results immediately make sure that you do not miss out the doses on daily basis.

And later on the same page…

This herbal product does not show results immediately
(I can’t make this stuff up!)

And then there are the Ingredients from their site:

Ingredients

Nutmeg 43.47 mg

Spanish chamomile 43.47 mg

Egg Shell Calcium 43.47 mg

Coral calcium 43.47 mg

Indian Rennet 43.47 mg

Cowhage 43.47 mg

Wattle Bark 43.47 mg

Cloves 43.47 mg

African rue 43.47 mg

Elephant Creeper 43.47 mg

Cinnabar 43.47 mg

Note the exact same amounts of each listed ingredient

..Annnnd let’s look at them again

Nutmeg 43.47 mg -Have it on the spice rack. TYVM

Spanish chamomile 43.47 mg -Isn’t’ that just chamomile from Spain? I have some tea with that in it.

Egg Shell Calcium 43.47 mg -That’s just ground up eggshells. I could grind them up myself, but I happen to know that humans can’t absorb them. Useless Filler

 

Fuckit I’m bored. Let’s just fast-forward to the end.

Cinnabar 43.47 mg
And now we get to the nasty one. Cinnabar, AKA Mercury Sulphide, AKA Red Mercury. Yes. You read right: Mercury. And in a form which was known for centuries to be toxic to people. If you don’t believe me, believe Medscape:

“Ingestion of inorganic mercury compounds can result in severe toxicity, and blood mercury concentrations in excess of 220 µg/l are associated with severe clinical effects. [1] Fatalities have been reported after ingestion of 0.5 g by an adult, with a mean lethal adult dose of 1-4 g. [1] Inorganic mercury causes toxicity by two mechanisms. First, mercuric ions precipitate proteins that cause direct necrosis on contact with tissues; this occurs in the mouth, stomach, large bowel and kidney. [2] Mercuric ions accumulate in the kidneys (accounting for 85-90% of the body burden), [1] causing acute renal failure due to necrosis of the proximal tubular epithelium, usually within 24 hours. [2] Second, inorganic mercury complexes with a number of ligands, particularly sulphydryl groups, causing inhibition of enzymes and protein transport mechanisms. [2] This causes a metabolic acidosis and, in the early phases of toxicity, it can cause death due to metabolic acidosis, vasodilatation and shock.”

These people are selling you poison. That's the bottom line. 

But in case you still don't believe that this site is a scam: check out their ingredients for the following products (scroll down to the ingredients section) on each link.

Retinosis pigmentosa (identical list -including quantities to the "cure" for Alopecia)

Waldenstrom's Macroglobulinemia (identical again)

Emphysema (also identical)

Eye bags (um-hmm)

Scleroderma (you get the picture)

So the same bogus-with-special-added-poison formula is supposed to cure six different ailments, where Big Pharma failed? If  you believe that: I have some real estate on Mars -going cheap!-  which would suit you beautifully.  

 

Finally: About That Refund Policy

Well, I have been doing this for a few years, and I have heard from many, many people who have tried and failed to get their money back from scam artists like this: Basically, It all leads me back to my first point: Accountability.

Say  you are unsatisfied with the product and you want a refund. You return it and you hear ....nothing; -which is usually what happens, BTW. What can you do then? You can e-mail the website.  But you may not hear back, or you may hear platitudes and excuses for weeks on end. What do you do then?

There is nothing you can do.

You can’t call them -there's no phone number.  You can’t write them, the address isn’t valid. You can’t sic your lawyer on them, because he won't find them either. "Natural Herbs Clinic" could be anywhere in the world!

You can’t even go through your credit card company, because they only accept PayPal. You can try and search for them online, but all you will find is a bunch of fake blogs and message board entries on places like cancer sites; -the scammers trying to sell the products to sick people and drum up business.

So you are out $100, have probably ingested poison and they get off scott free.

Please don't order any of these products, no matter how desperate your medical condition. They won't help and they might hurt you.

For the love of Pete, just don’t do it.

 

Oh, Christmas Tree

I asked Grace and her friend to decorate our Christmas tree last week. They are both 12 now, and it was a great way to channel their energy. What could go wrong? (Ahem)

Well, over the years our pre-lit tree has become less and less "lit", so there were lights to be strung in the blank bits. While I was doing that, the girls pulled out some of Grace's old toys; -favorites from when they had been in 3rd grade.  They were playing (rather irreverently) with Barbies and High School Musical dolls, including an old Barbie car which still worked.  They had a blast and kept out of my hair. 

When it came time to decorate the tree, we had a problem with the star for top. It was too tall to fit (maybe it had worked better on our previous tree? I forget). So the girls' solution was to dress Troy Bolton in a wedding dress, give him a purse, and place him on top of the tree.

 

 Works for me!

 Happy Holidays to all my readers!

A Question for the NRA Supporters.

As everyone knows, there was another school shooting here in the States last week. This one was particularly bad, as 20 first-graders were killed.

I don't know if it is due to this fact, or the rise in social media; -or maybe a bit of both, but the gun control argument has really gotten intense this time. 

And the NRA has shut down it's facebook page and kept completely schtum. Apparently, this is in keeping with their policy.  

But I have things I want to say to the leadership and members of the NRA. I have questions I want to ask. I'm not the only one, I know.  And as I can't ask them on their turf, I will ask on mine. This isn't restricted to NRA members, of course. Any pro-gunner can feel free to jump in with answers.

I want to say first,  that I do respect your second amendment right to be available as an armed militia. 

(or maybe this image was more what you had in mind?)

So you can use your weapons to rise up against an unjust Government.

(Yep. I can totally see how a handgun, rifle and especially a semi-automatic would have helped out here. Um-hmm.)

Or maybe you just want to protect your home and property, as a Facebook friend of mine posted (direct cut & paste here -no changes from me):

"Oh dear! Defending myself or my family from intruders is not a DEADLY ACT! What is wrong with some of you people that are against guns? They can PROTECT ALSO!!!

Anybody else I guess that does not RESPECT my right to defend myself or my family with a use of A gun for protection and wants to DELETE me because of that ....Feel free to do so...It will not hurt my feelings... Because someone DELETED ME because of my right to PROTECT MY FAMILY.... I thought in debates LOL there was suppose to be a RESPECT ISSUE...Guess not!"

(So it's a matter of respect, apparently. OK.)

 

But I have a serious question for the "pro-gunners" out there: If I told you that in order to save the life of a child, six years old; you needed to make some concessions. Go think of a six-year old you know or knew. Think of his or her friends.  Now to save that child, would you be willing to:

• Place trigger locks on your guns?
• Use a gun safe in your home?
• Give up access to semi-automatic weapons?
• ...or high-capacity ammo cartdriges?
• Take a gun safety test?
• Carry a permit?
• Get re-certified every few years? Would you do that?
• Submit every adult in the household to a full background check?
• What about a mental health screening for you and every adult living in your house (repeated every few years)?
• How's about a 6-month wait period?  Would you be up for that? (No? how about 3 months?)

If you answered "no" to any of those questions, think back on that six year old and ask yourself what is so important about that point you are unwilling to concede, that it is worth their life?

And now put yourself in Nancy Lanza's shoes and know that the six-year-old in her case was NOT imaginary. Several six year olds died on Friday, as did several others, including Nancy herself and her beloved son. 

Nancy was a pro-gunner, I am sure. However if she were around to express an opinion today, I wonder what she would recommend? And please don't say that it will never happen to you; you're trained and take all precautions. I'm sure that's what Nancy would have said.

But the unthinkable happened to her.

And the problem with the unthinkable: you can't expect it, can't plan for it, you can't think it! So you have to take precautions against it.  Just in case.

Because it may be your right to own a gun, but it is also everyone else's right to not get shot, unless they happen to be invading your home at the time, of course.

We need to pass a test, carry a license and insurance in order to drive a car, because cars can cause damage and take lives if used improperly. Why don't we have the same basic precautions on guns, which are much more dangerous in the wrong hands?

And on the "We need more guns to protect outselves against guns" argument, I will say this. If I have a gun and I attack you, and you have your gun to defend yourself, what are the chances that at least one of us is getting shot? Pretty darn high.

However, if I don't have a gun and I attack you, and you don't have a gun to defend yourself, what are the chances of us getting shot then?

ZERO.

There might be angry words and a blow or two. We may hate each other forever and curse when we see each other. But we will both still be alive to do it.  

 And despite the fight we just had, I'd rather see you alive.

Surviving Sandy, Part ...Something.

As most of you know, I live on Long Island. Most of you will also know that we had a big old hurricane pass through here about a month ago.

Sandy.

Who the fuck calls a hurricane "Sandy"? First of all, did you ever know a Sandy who was mean and destructive? I never did! Anyone I knew called Sandy was nice. And innocuous (sorry Sandys, but you all were).

Also, it seems to me that naming a hurricane "Sandy" was just ASKING for this to happen.

But Sandy it was called, so shall it be referred.

Now, I often wonder if the Sandy thing would be so bad if Hurricane Irene hadn't happened 14 months previously. Because Irene was so hyped up as being Bad and Dangerous and many were told to evacuate and given Dire Consequences if they didn't

...and nothing much happened for me and for most of us. Certainly, Irene didn't live up to her hype.

After Irene, the evacuated people returned to their perfectly fine homes, after spending a nightmare few days with the parents or in-laws and they vowed they wouldn't put themselves needlessly through all that again.

When hurricane Sandy was forecast, the warnings were Even More Dire but several agencies held off on evacuation orders because of what happened last time. And many people -even when the evacutation orders came, refused to leave their homes. We all thought it would be another Irene. 

We were wrong.

Yes, we prepared; bought food and batteries, made sure the grill worked and the propane was topped up. But our family didn't pack any bags this time. Partly because the dangerous tree has since been removed, but also partly because it felt so bloody stupid to go about the next day unpacking and and undoing all the Dire Preparations . Although I did line the bath with plastic before I filled it this time. That made a huge difference. We didn't need it, but definitely something to file away.

The storm itself sounded and seemed milder than Irene had been. It was windy, but there was a lot less rain and no thunder/lightning. We lost power early; -around 1:30 the first day (Monday), but we were prepared, and had an epic game of Monopoly by lantern light (Grace is a great person to have as a banker, BTW. Her mental arithmetic is poor, so she is really easy to cheat).

The next day, things didn't seem so bad  We still had no power, but there was no damage to our property. We drove around the neighbourhood a bit and ...wow. Most traffic lights were out. Most businesses were closed. However, there were lines out the door and around the corner for Dunkin donuts (they have a generator). 7-11 was pretty busy, too.   

 Our power came back on Tuesday evening. I realized quickly that we were quite exceptional in that. Many people in our town were out for more than two weeks. The schools were closed for seven full days. 

...and then I started hearing from my friends.

I should point out, using this nce handy map, that I pulled from here, that our town is nowhere near a flood disaster zone.

If you look at that map, we are in the brownish area, well above sea level. The problem around here was "only" downed trees. And LIPA.

 Then I heard from a friend who lives in a dark green area.

"We had 4' of water through the whole downstairs. We have no power, no water, no heat. The truck is gone".  My friend isn't one of the people you hear about. Their area wasn't featured in the newscasts or stories that went around, because it wasn't as Dramatic or Compelling as some of the other scenes playing out around the area -and even in the next town over from them. But they lost half of their house. It took FEMA and the insurance company weeks to come and inspect the place, so they could even begin tearing out floors and carpets (they were told not to until after inspection). I stopped by on Thanksgiving and they had had power and water restored, but still no heat or hot water. All the bottom half of the house had been ripped out to the studs. They were sitting on plastic lawn chairs. Their fridge was on the front lawn.  They had to have Thanksgiving catered, because no oven or hot water.

But these are people getting on stoically with their loves, making the best of what they have. These are not the stories you hear. You really have to see it to understand how bad they have it and how widespread the damage really is. I was driving, so I couldn't take pictures. However, a lot of the towns I drove through were still virtual ghost towns. Many businesses were boarded up, with lovely messages like this one spray-painted on the boards.

It just boggled my mind that this would still be the situation on Long Island so many weeks after the storm. 

And that so much was wrong on the rest of the island for so long. You couldn't get petrol. At first, I couldn'tdrive down to help my friends in the disaster area, because I was afraid I would run out of gas between destinations. Himself lined up for six hours one day, just to learn that the gas station ran out. There were shortages of bread and milk. After the first week or so, most people  without power started running low on supplies like ice, batteries and candles. Well, the only way to get them was to borrow from a friend who had power or to have them mailed from someone outside the Northeast (the mail service was one of the few things that was working early on).

There was no garbage collection or other cleanup for some time. Cut-up trees and branches were piled up on the curbs. Bags and bags of refues and piles of household contents were there too. 

It reminded me of living in Dublin in the 70s, when there was the oil crisis and then there were strikes in the electricty supply board, the bakers unions, the dairys and by the sanitation workers. Except it was like these things had happened all at once in long Island in 2012, instead of spread out over years in 70s Dublin.

It wasn't good. It wasn't OK and we have learned many lessons from it.

I hope -sincerely HOPE- that Local government and other agencies had learned lessons too. Because this can't happen again. 

...except everyone says that Sandy is only the first and there will be more storms like this.

 

I'm Changing!

...this blog.

Because I'm sick of moaning about my health problems and all the "me" stuff. Because there is a lot of stuff I want to write about in the world that has nothing to do with medicine or autism or other former confines herein.

Because limitations are boring.  And bad.

And life is too short.

And I was bored with the green. It was too dull and dark. 

My sister -who is wise, suggested I start a whole new blog; a fresh beginning, without the baggage of the old stuff. It was a smart idea and I considered it. But I feel that's a bit of a cop-out. Plus, I like the name and the history. I feel it would be almost like a lie to leave all that behind. And I might still want to write about the old stuff.  I know I haven't finished outing scams, for sure.

So instead, I am changing the header, the parameters and the look and moving on ahead.

I hope it gives me incentive to write more and you incentive to come back.

 

My Mother's Clock

 

This clock hung in the hallway of our old house for over 30 years. It’s an 8-day clock. You wind it every week. Each Sunday after Mass, my mother would take the key from the top of the case, wind the clock and re-set it to ticking by swinging the pendulum, if need be. The tick echoed in the hallway of our Edwardian Dublin townhouse. You heard it in the hallway and on the stairs –anywhere outside a closed room; a constant, steady assurance that all was well.

Technically, that clock wasn’t my mother’s at all. It was originally a school clock. My paternal grandfather, an electrician, worked on the modernization of this school, replacing the old wooden wind-up clocks with plastic, modern, electric ones. This clock and several others were destined for the skip, but Grandad rescued three; one for each of his two married children, and one for his own house. So I guess it was my father’s clock, really. But only my mother could set it to telling time. If someone else tried to get it going, it would tick for just a minute or so and then stop.

I was always fascinated by this clock, with its doors and secrets.

I used to beg my mother to allow me to "help" her wind it, to let me swing the pendulum (at bottom of this frame), which -quite literally- made it tick.

My mother died when I was five. And while the clock still hung in its place above the hall table, it was quiet and still. Fitting, I suppose, that the heart of our house no longer beat. Many tried to make it tick for longer than a minute or two, but it refused.  Finally, it was declared “broken”.  But it still stayed in its place, semi-regularly cleaned and polished (by me. Cleaning the hall and stairs was my ‘job’).

My mother’s brother visited us one day, when I was maybe 9 or 10. “That’s a lovely clock. Why are you not using it?” he said. “It’s broken” said I. “Are you sure?” he asked. I wasn’t sure.  Tim spent the day going back-and forth between the conversation in the kitchen and the clock in the hall. “You just need to find the right 'tick'” he told me confidently and confidentially. “Every clock has its own 'tick'. You need to find the one for this clock, learn it, and it will work for you”. So every few minutes, he would take a trip to the hall clock. He would swing the pendulum high, close the wee pendulum door, and go back to his cuppa tea. He would check on the clock a few minutes later, sigh when he found it quiet; the minute hand having moved a faction. He would then try again, this time setting the pendulum to a different swing. He did this over and over again.  I lost interest and went upstairs to my room.

 Some time later, I heard a shout of triumph from the hall. The clock was working! Tim was beaming. “I told you I’d find the right 'tick'! Here. I’ll show you.  I hope I can find it again.” He stopped the clock, then stood me on the antique table and guided my hand to the pendulum. He put his hand over mine and gently moved it and the pendulum to one side, feeling the various internal landmarks of the clock for the right place.  “…right about …here” he said, and told me to let the pendulum go. The clock started to tick. It stopped after a few minutes,but Tim had me try again until we got it. He taught me to listen to the ‘tick’; to know when the rate was correct. It wasn’t hard once I knew what I was listening for; -that old, steady, heartbeat from the days when I had a mother.

After that day, I was the only person in the house who could set the clock to telling time. So it became “my” clock, and the heart of the house beat again. Sometimes, anyway. I wasn’t as consistent with winding it as my mother had been.

After my father died, this clock was the one thing from the house that I wanted to keep. My bestest childhood friend kept it safe for me, and then had it shipped to me in New York one year as a birthday present.

It was one of the best presents I ever received.  

Tim died years later. I have no other memory of him, but I cherish that one I do have, and the lessons I learned –and continue to learn- from him and the clock:

You have to find the right 'tick'. Set it going too fast or too slow, and it will stop. Set it going at just the right speed, and it will go until it  needs winding again. Sometimes you can hear when the tick is wrong, but it is hard to know when it is right. You often (usually) need to try several times before you get it –especially if it’s been a while. But practice makes it easier. And sometimes –rarely- if the clock was wound too tight, you have to unhook the pendulum and let the clock run right down to exhaustion, so you can wind it up -gently this time- and start again.

I realize that these rules are true for me, too, since I became sick. I need to find my own 'tick'. If I over do things, I will shut down. Similarly, if I set off too slow, there is no momentum to continue.

It’s not easy to find one’s own 'tick' under these circumstances. And I suspect –people being infinitely more complex than clocks- the 'tick' is slightly different on any given day. Still. I have a visual reminder to keep trying.

My mother’s clock now hangs in my home, close to the front door.  It still works, but I rarely wind and set it now.

…but I did today.

It took several efforts to find the right tick. I’m out of practice. But find it, I did.

Funny how a ticking clock speaks of hope.

What Would Milton Do?

I guess the world and it's mother knows by now that the Milton Hershey School turned away a student because he is HIV positive.

I cut & pasted this directly from the Milton Hershey School's own website.

Every day children are born into neighborhoods fraught with extreme poverty and limited opportunities. Many parents are unable to provide their children with the support they need to reach their potential. This is the reality of at-risk children in communities throughout the nation. Milton Hershey believed that providing children from families in need with a first-rate education and the support of a nurturing and caring community would enable them to break the chains of poverty.

I guess they forgot to add the following line

...But only if their HIV status is negative.

I guess one teen won't be reaching his potential because they are afraid he will have unprotected sex with another teen. At least, I hope they think "another teen" and it's not a case of a faculty member who doesn't want to use protection. Seriously. I was raised in an orphanage. You have to question these things. 

Milton Hershey founded this school because his own schooling was quite fraught. He wanted to create a place for disadvantaged kids to learn.

I think being HIV+ is a pretty big disadvantage for a kid to have.

I wonder what Milton Hershey would say or do if he were around today?

 

Would he support the school's decision, I wonder?  What do you think?

"The value of our good is not measured by what it does, but by the amount of good it does to the one concerned."
                                            -Milton Hershey

 

Top 10 Reasons Why We Suffer Fools

10. Because we don't want to get arrested for disturbing the peace.

9. Social conditioning: Mama taught us to be polite (this is especially true for those of us who are female)

8. Because they are the customer and therefore Always Right

7. Because the fool in question happens to be an authority figure (like a cop)

6. Because our kids (or other family members)  have to deal with whoeveritis, and we don't want to make things difficult for them.

5. Because we need something from them (amIright?) 

4. Because we live in the same community and an ongoing fight would be unbearable.

3. Because we have to work with them

2. Because we are related to them by blood or marriage.

And the #1 reason we suffer fools:

1. Because we are too busy, too tired or otherwise couldn't be arsed to do anything about the fool.

 

(What? You thought this was going to be a FUN post?)