Sorry Barack Obama, but I strongly disagree with you. And reverend Whatsisface. Hope is not audacious at all. To hope is probably audacious. The act of open hoping definitely so.
But Hope itself. Hope rejected; shunned, removed, expunged and locked away in a little lead-lined box in the back of the mind (goes a long way towards explaining the neuro problems, that). Not audacious at all.
Hope is a sneaky, slithery little slibhín fucker.
Hope forms delicately as a mist, from minute particles which gather unnoticed around the unsuspecting Sick Mother. She is engaged in usual tasks; filling out forms, making doctor appointments, washing dishes, removing cats from the linen closet. Yet slowly, intangibly, hour by hour the particles amass, creeping, building, until finally they have gathered force enough to release a thought:
Maybe the seizures will stop.
Just that: A little thought, It just pops straight up out of that mist. And then the damage is done. The bolder is tumbling down the mountain. Because a thought like that never travels alone. A thought like that is a Great-Granddaddy of a thought, who always travels with his offspring. And the whole extended family of Thoughts rush in, unbidden:
I could go back to work.
We could pay off some debts
I could be independent again
I could eat like a NORMAL person... Hey! I could EAT!
How great would it be not to have seizures?
I could go back to WORK! (not that there is any... (Hope not quite that powerful))
And then I catch myself, and realize that Hope has played a mean trick on me. A filthy, dirty, lower than-snake's-belly, appallingly awful trick. And I fell for it: Hook, line and fookin sinker. I look down at my hands in the dishwater and stream abuse at Hope (who is on the other side of the klitchen, laughing).
And those thoughts once unleashed, will now Not. Go. Away. Maybe #27 is the charm? Maybe, when the H-pylori is vanquished, the seizures will retreat, never to return to Middle Brain again (I just finished he Silmarillion (again) so am all Elvish in me thinking)? If the seizures stop; maybe the other neuro symptoms will diminish (see?) too?
Maybe I can become (mostly) normal again?
...because although I have EDS, I am in relatively good shape overall. A lot of the time, anyway. OK maybe half the time. My biggest, most horrible and dreaded symptoms for the past two years have been the unremitting seizures which come and get me -not after every SINGLE meal, but after enough meals to be almost unpredictable and completely debilitating.
I will not start H-pylori treatment until at least next week. The GI guy was booked solid for this week. So I have another whole week of Hope gnawing at me. I can't get it back into the little box. I tried, but it has suddenly grown huge, multi-lobed and betentacled.
You know, I almost wish someone (qualified) would call and tell me NOW that H-pylori linked epilepsy is NOT cured by killing the bacteria. Because it would at least put me out of the misery of this ecstasy of Hope.
And I have another WEEK of this. HELP! The hope is killing me!!!