Momdar

It's a thing about having special needs kids -especially if you have kids who have/had behavioral issues or who are/were prone to taking off without warning: the old Mom radar -the "Momdar" becomes very acute indeed.  In other words, you become hypervigilant. At least I did! And most of the special needs moms I know have done so too.

The Momdar extends to other kids, too. I can't tell you how many times I have picked up other mothers' children in the playground, kids who fell, were about to fall or got into difficulties, and their mother's didn't happen to notice, because the Mom was chatting or reading. I could never afford to chat or read when my kids were at the playground. I had to be right there with them, because Joe could go from 'happy' to 'Defcon 8' in about 6 seconds. I am not resentful about this. It is just a fact of life.

These days, my kids are bigger and less impulsive/volatile. But I can't really turn the Momdar off. Once activated, that thing seems to stay in permanent overdrive. Just last night, I heard a parent call his kid in CVS and before the child could answer. I piped up. "He is over there, reading. He is fine."  The dad and Kid both gave me confused looks.  "uh... thanks" said Dad (oops!). I always twig the kids when I am out anywhere. If I see a child who may be unaccompanied, I watch him or her closely.  I have lost my own kid -despite my hypervigilence- too many times to be comfortable if a wandering and apparently unaccompanied child passes me in the mall.

Along with the Momdar hypervigilance comes the overprotective tendencies. The two go hand-in hand. Naturally, when you have protected, fought for and advocated for your child for years, the instinct to do so at all times is strong, even as they grow and develop skills for themselves.  I now have to make a very conscious effort to step back and allow my children to do and speak for themselves. I know this is a phase that most parents go through, but I think the process is more fraught and takes more thought and effort when one's children have special needs.

Today, my children started summer school. They attended last year for the first time, after Joe no longer needed special needs camp and I needed to do something with them.  Last year, I went in with them, found where they needed to go and stayed with them until the teacher came.

So earlier, there were were driving to school, all a little bleary-eyed because despite early bedtimes, nobody had gotten to sleep early.

Me: "Guys, we are running a little late, so I will drop you off out front, you can go inside, and then I will park and come back to make sure you are OK"  (I thought this was pretty radical for me. Normally I would park and walk in with them, no matter how late it would make them).

Joe: "Mom, you don't need to come in. You can drop us off at the door and we will find where we need to go."
Me: "Are you sure?"
Joe: "Yes, Mom.  We just go and look for the sign for our class and we wait for the teacher.
Me: "What if you can't find the sign?
Joe "Well, then we will ask a teacher"
 Me (clutching at straws): Grace, are you OK with that?"
Grace (shrugs): Sure, Mom. We'll look for the sign"

So I dropped them at the front door and watched them walk into the building. The driveway out of the school takes you past a parking lot. My hands moved, about to pull in to the lot and park, then I could walk back and surreptitiously check on them; -just to make sure they were all right. If they were, great!  I would sneak out and they would be none the wiser. If they were not, then I could swoop in and rescue them.

But I caught myself and corrected the wheel, steering back towards the exit. I made a conscious effort to stick to the original plan, pausing only very briefly to ensure my phone was on before driving out of the school, leaving them to manage the first day alone. 

It was difficult, but I did it.

I know every parent goes through this, but I can't help wonder if it is a more conscious and deliberate effort for us parents of special needs kids?  It certainly feels like it, that's for sure.  But maybe it feels the same for everyone? 

I wonder....?

Comments

[Carleen]

When my daughter was young, we lived just a couple of blocks from the elementary school she attended. We couldn't bring ourselves to allow her to walk to or from school even though it was so close. I used to think that it was just us, that we were being way too protective of her because she was our only child. And then Richard Ramirez, the Night Stalker, broke into a home 1/2 a mile from ours, and we knew that we'd never stop driving her to and from school, no matter how close to it we lived.

[LR]

I also developed this "Momdar" very young. It was much different than my counterparts. I noticed that while other moms didn't hardly sniff at their kids standing on their handlebars while riding their bikes down the street. It made me wonder if something was wrong with me because I was such a "neurotic" mother. I couldn't turn it off at this point. Maybe their kids had brakes, but mine sure didn't. I later read a study how "neurotic" mothers were better mothers. I don't know if that's true or not, but I felt pretty validated at the time (relieved?). I'm not neurotic, I'm just higher up on the scale of being a good mom! lol I like the idea of Momdar better though. Like you, I'm in the process of trying to key down my sensitive Momdar these days.