Those Little Things We Say....

My sister had five children in as many years. So for several years,  her house was like some kind of cross between a daycare, a zoo, and an asylum. For most of these years, I lived in a different country so my main communication with her was over the phone.

So there we would be on the phone, chatting normally, when suddenly I would be deafened as my sis would break up a fight or something. Here is an example of what our phone conversations were like for several years.

Sis "...well, there he was, standing all alone, so I wen... GET OFF HIS HEAD!!!  YOU'LL HURT HIM(?)  GET OFF HIS HEAD NOW!!!  ...t over to him and sai...  LET GO OF HIS TAIL!!! NOW! HE'LL BITE YOU!!!  LET GO!!  RIGHT NOW!!! ...d "are you lost, luvvy?  Do you need me to help you find your mum?"

Yes. I was lost. And somewhat deaf in one ear.

I thought, after listening to my sis for years, that I was somewhat prepared for the kinds of things you say when you have kids. I also made sure I had a cordless phone and many handsets, which definitely cuts down on the yelling aspect (In fairness: my sis didn't actually yell that much normally, but while on the phone back then, she was tied to one location).

Today, as I found myself calmly telling Grace "don't suck the cat's blood" I realized that yes, there are definitely some phrases that pop out of my mouth; some combinations of words that I NEVER thought I would say in that order, and it makes me shake my head. Or smile. Usually both.  And sometimes the things I say make me wonder if I have been transported into some kind of bizarro world, or am somehow the star of my very own "Truman show"?  The "cat's blood" thing was totally innocuous, BTW. They were playing a vampire game, and poor George had been designated a 'victim'.

Now, I had expected some strange expressions to come out of my mouth. Here are a few I had expected (and got):

• We don't bring worms/ bugs/ snails/ dead birds into the house"
• We don't run out into traffic
• We don't threaten to kill our sister/brother.
• We don't pick the neighbour's flowers, not even as a gift for Mom.
• We don't go visiting the neighbours without permission (Grace)
• No. You may not drive the car
• See! I TOLD you Teddy can't go in the bath!
• This is what happens when you don't put your gum in the trash!

...and then some things I NEVER thought I would ever hear myself say; especially not in the calm, matter-of-fact voice I perfected about a year or so after Joe's special needs became apparent.

• We don't growl at friends/ strangers/ anybody
• We don't attack other kid's moms (/dads) in the zoo  ...Or anywhere, for that matter.
• We keep our clothes and shoes on in the restaurant, please
• We don't sniff the pizza delivery guy
• We don't tunnel behind the boxes on the supermarket shelf  (I distinctly remember wondering where Joe was, and then when looking down the aisle, I watched a progression of cereal boxes fall off the shelf, one after another, away from me, allowing me to track his progress down the back of the shelf. He was pretty fast! There was a long line of boxes by the time I got to him.)
• Do you always pick on disabled four-year olds? Or have you waited your whole life to meet your intellectual equal? (this to a man in K-mart, who was being mean to Joe.  ...and that one wasn't said in a calm voice!)
• Please don't sniff the food you are given in Kyle's house. His mom's feeling might be hurt.
• What show is that from? (this in response to a clearly echolalic utterance) 
• You need to tell people who you are when you call them on the regular phone. it's not like Skype.  They can't see you.
• No sweetheart. Zombies won't get into the house while we are sleeping. The alarm is set.
• I know the guy was fat, but you can't say that to his face.  You have to use other words, like 'big" ... better yet: Don't mention it at all...

...and there are a few non-parenting-related  phrases I never thought I would hear myself utter, either.

• "Don't call 911. It's only been 40 minutes" (since the seizure began) Don't try that one at home, kids.
• "I think we can get it back in. Just pull my arm straight out -don't twist, whatever you do.  On my count..."

I'm sure there are many more, but I can hear the kids start to get wild in the background, and I suspect I will have to go and use some of my phrases in a minute.

What about you?  Are there any particular phrases you never thought you would use that stand out in your mind?

Comments

[Roanmom]

Lol at "what show is that from:)

Let's see:
"No Honey, I won't be dying today....no, not tomorrow either....yes, I promise."

"No, the man isn't still on the moon; he got a lift back home."

"I'm sure Pluto isn't upset over becoming a dwarf planet."

"Stop head butting the door, it's bashed up enough already."

"Isn't that clever, you managed to fit yourself into the pampers box....and close the top."

I'll have others I know

[yanub]

Tunnelling behind the cereal boxes! That's the kind of thing you know will be funny. Later. Years later. But right now, someone is in biiiiig trouble.

[Lisa Moon]

Oh, sheesh, my kid is too old to remember all the good ones, I think.

One that sticks was a little story he'd kill me if I told, so here goes, lol!

Son (just into PJs, getting ready for bed; age approx. 6 or so): Mom! Mom!

Me: Yes, baby?

Son: Mom, my 'winnie' (penis) just moved - *all by itself! See?!* (holds PJ pants away from body while observing, clearly fascinated with this occurance).

Mom (oh, so nonchalantly, trying to stifle peals of laughter): Sometimes that happens, dear. It might mean you need to go pee before bed.

Son: Oh, yes, I DO! (scurries off to loo).

Yeeeaaah, that one still gets me. Ah, the excitement of discovering cool body tricks! LOL.

But hmm, what about the things I've said which I never imagined? Have to think on that. Thanks for sharing yours, btw. My favourites include sniffing the pizza guy and your zinger to the KMart jerk. Awesome.

[fridawrites]

Oh, goodness, my sister has only four kids five years apart, but she also babysits one or two babies for extra income, plus other kids are always over...and she homeschools. So I had to laugh in recognition about the yelling on the phone--being able to turn down the volume on the phone fast is very helpful!

My son is on the autistic spectrum too and my daughter is smart, which can lead to its own problems. I am embarrassed to say one conversation that I recently had is:
-We don't set up websites dedicated to people we don't like is a very bad idea that can cause a lot of trouble.
-You can't order stuff off ebay without permission (at age 5 for my son).
-We don't spam our friends with forwards, especially when the forward wants you to send everyone e-mail back to the original sender (this is why her friends have the highest number of spams ever, fortunately not in R-rated terrain but real estate and banking scams).
-You can't email to be a beta tester on a new computer program without mom's and dad's permission (to son).
Better to learn now, with clear guidelines and guidance, than later.

Loved the response to the KMart guy!

Having trouble coming up with some of the older memories today, but:
-Repeating the same noises over and over bothers other people (he does it under his breath now).
-When you don't answer a question, it hurts people's feelings (responded to with surprise).
-We cannot harm people over toys. Do you see mom and dad physically battling over games or books that we want or fighting over movies/the TV remote? Or do we take turns choosing programs we want to watch?
-Hiding your food doesn't count as bites tried.

And I'll bet most kids don't hear:
"Pick up your stuff! You haven't left me an accessible path!"

[One Sick Mother]

Roanmom,

Those are hilarious! particularly the pampers box one!

Yanub, the worst part about the cereal boxes was getting him out. Luckily, for me, grace's sensibilities were offended by the fallen boxes, so she would help to put them all back.

Lisa,

I hope he doesn't read thios site. He will be horrified to see that story (which was v. cute) on the Internet!

The K-mart thing just came out of nowhere (I was FURIOUS!). The place was packed, and when I said that, everyone on the lines started to laugh and smirk. The guy put down his stuff and walked out, mortified.

Frida,

LOL I think you have a budding Bill Gates on your hands there... (uh oh!)

I hear you on the "accessible path" thing. I have had to say on occasion: "I don't have my cane. I need to lean on you" which is another thing most kids don't hear. Fortunately, Joe is both sturdy and kind.

[Wynda]

Very funny, even to those of us without kids.

My favorite unusual parental ruling happened while you and I were working together. I don't remember who it was, but I called him at home to help me with a operations crisis and in the middle of his instructions, he shouted into the phone,

"Do not run around the room with a lightbulb in your mouth!!!!!"

I instantly sensed that was not an instruction for me and as it turns out, it wasn't.