One Sick Mother

Joe meets "Joe"

The pitfalls of blogging....

Those of you who know me well, know that my children's real names are not "Grace" and "Joe". I have aliased them herein for their privacy.  My kids know that I write, but they don't know the content or publication media, except for some stories that I have written for them which are published in-house by SickMother press (i.e. me inkjet printer!).

So the other night, at bedtime, Joe says "Mom, I have to ask you a question."  I know from experience that this phrase usually means Something Significant is coming, so I braced myself and told him to go ahead. 

"I saw that you were writing an article about a guy named "Joe" who has synesthesia, and I was wondering if I could meet him, because I wanted to ask him some questions"

..and my heart broke.

"Did you read the full article?"
"No. I just saw some over your shoulder."
"What question did you want to ask"
"well, you said that "Joe" can turn synesthesia on and off..."  I finished his sentence.
...and you want to know how to turn it off?" (because in fact, he can turn it ON at will (sometimes) but he can't disable it)

"Yes. I want to know how to turn it off"

I took a deep breath

"I'm sorry honey, but there is no way for you to meet "Joe". You see, you are "Joe".  I was writing about you. I just didn't use your real name"  His eyes went huge.

"I am "Joe"?!" ...you mean... you were protecting my identity?"
"Yes."
"so you don't know another kid with synesthesia?"
"Apart from that kid in California that has number-->color synesthesia... No."
"Oh"
"You know, part of the reason I wrote that piece was because I was hoping for find other people out there who might have the same type of synesthesia as you have."
"Have you found any ?"
"No. But I did find out about a young woman who has a different form than you have..." And I explained about Yanub's daughter, who has sound--> color synesthesia.  Joe thought this was pretty cool.

We talked for a bit about "Joe" and about himself and how -even if he did meet someone with the same type of synesthesia that he has, the mechanism may be different in each person, so he would probably need to learn about his own synesthesia in order to control it. But I told him I understood that it is always good to meet another person with the same thing, because then you don't feel so alone. I went on to explain that one of the reasons I had wanted to get him hooked up with the university was that maybe those guys might be able to help him understand his synesthesia better and be able to help him to control it. And maybe they might know other kids who have it. Because universities can be a magnet for this sort of stuff.

So Joe said that he wants to have another try with the university. He asked me to set up another appointment with the head of the Autism Department.

Remember at the beginning of my last post, I wrote that maybe writing about Joe's synesthesia might help Joe? Well, It appears that -in an unexpected way- it will!

Blogging can be strangely effective.

PostScript:

...last night, Joe pops out of bed in a state of excitement and stood in the doorway, flapping and bouncing from foot to foot, to tell me this:

"I was trying to see what she sees, but it is too hard!"
"what?...  See what who sees?"
"The woman who can see sounds.  I wanted to to try it."
"(eek!) Did it work?"
"No...  ...well      ...Mom! There are sooo many sounds!  I tried to do it and ...and ...it was just too much!"
"So you are going to stick to emotions, then?"
"Joe: "Yes.  I'm going to stick to emotions."

(Thank Christ for that!)

Telling Joe

I don't usually write quite so personally about my children. I try to keep some distance between them and the World  -even here. But I feel this is an important post. I told Joe about his diagnosis recently and I wanted to share that with you. I don't claim to be an expert or that my approach will work for everyone (anyone!). But I wanted to post this experience and my way of handling it, so maybe those that come after may learn from me; -whether I did well or not!

Every parent of a special needs child eventually asks themself: "Should I tell him (/her) of the diagnosis?" " ...How?"  and "What if...  and then ..."

This is something that had been going back and forth in my mind for some time. I had always planned to tell  Joe that he is on the Autistic Spectrum when he is "ready".  Of course, the trick to that strategy is defining and determining readiness, and then -for us- in picking the right time and the right things to say.  Joe tends to process things in phases. You can tell him something and he will take it in, not say much, and then over the next couple of days or weeks, he will ask questions about it. By the questions he asks, I know he has been thinking deeply about it. It can take Joe weeks or months to become comfortable with a concept.

So recently, I figured Joe was about ready to know the truth about himself.  I reckoned the summer break would be a good time to tell him; a time which would not interfere with school if he took the news badly, and telling him early in the summer  would give him a few months to get used to the idea before starting Middle School in the Fall (can you believe he is starting Middle school already?).

It is funny how opportunity presents itself. The wednesday before school broke for the summer, Himself announced that he would need to be away for the weekend on family business and he could take one child with him if they so chose. Grace so chose, Joe declined.   The kids finished school on Friday morning. After saying our goodbyes, we went home with report cards in hand. I read Joe's report card, which he had been stressing about for months. It was OK. Not great, but OK. He is on grade level for most everything except writing. I sat down with him and we went over it, me telling him I thought he had done a good job, but obviously he needed to work with on his writing, something with which myself  and the teachers would help him.

Joe got upset.  He went up to his room and shut the door.  I followed a few minutes later. He has a loft bed and when upset, he goes into the space underneath it to get away from the world. So I sat on the floor on the other side of the ladder and we talked through the ladder. During the conversation he said a lot of things about being different and he referred to himself as 'ghost':  "I'm a ghost. I'll always be a ghost and there is nothing you can do about it". He has done this once or twice before,  and I didn't (don't) know exactly what he means by it.  I figured it meant he knew he was different in some indefinable way.  I knew then, sitting on the floor that I needed to define it for him. I also realized that the weekend would be the perfect opportunity;  with the teasing, attention hogging  Grace out of the way, we could talk about it openly with time to process, without fear of embarrassment for him.

I told him. "We need to talk. I need to tell you some things about yourself, which I think will help you to understand better. We'll do it tomorrow after Grace and Daddy leave"  I saw his eyes get curious, but he just nodded.  And looked a little more hopeful.

 

I dug through a bunch of baby pictures that night.  Pictures I had put away, because they are painful for me to look at. Because you can see the change in the pictures. There is a definite difference in Joe Before Autism and After Autism.  I have hardly any picture of Joe at 2/3 years old because that's when the Autism was most evident.  I'm sorry now, of course, but I can't un-ring the bell there...  (Unfortunately, my scanner is on the fritz, so I can't post these pictures right now)

The next day, after brunch and cartoons and some of the usually Saturday routine, I sat Joe down with the pictures. 

I told him the whole story.

I told him that when he had been born, he looked like a tiny old man with huge feet. That he had been a happy, curious baby. And that when he was about 19 months, he changed and lost all his words and skills.   I told him that I had taken him to the doctor, and my concerns had been ignored. I told him that I had not given up, and had seen other specialists and sent him to school to help him, had consulted yet *more*  doctors and specialists, had tested his hearing and vision and had taken him to the university for evaluation where finally at 5½, they had told me he was on the Autistic Spectrum.

I told him what I had been told by one specialist when he was about three: to "prepare myself" because my son "may never talk and would probably never read or write or go to a regular school". I told him that most kids who lost skills like that (i.e. had a full scale Autistic regression at that age) never came back to join the world again and that he was unusual for how well he did.  I told him that I had always believed in him -have never believed that one doctor. I told him that I had fought for him and that I always would.

We went back to the report card and looked at it with new eyes. I explained that for him, a kid who had lost roughly three year's worth of skills, to be on grade level for most everything was a terrific achievement. I told him to look at it this way: "In six years of grade school, you have made almost nine years of progress. That's why I am proud of you"

And he glowed.

I knew he had more questions, the main one being the label. I told him what they had told me at the university "he is on the Autistic spectrum (and I explained a little bit what that is), but we are not sure where.  We are calling it Asperger's syndrome (because he is so high-functioning)" of course, he had a giggle that his mom had used "the 'A' word" and I told him "so you're an Aspie"

"I'm an Aspie?"

"Yes." 

He thought about it for a second, decided that was OK and then started with the questions:

"Is this why I get Speech Therapy?"

"Yes"

"Does this explain my stutter?"

"I think so, although there are plenty of kids who are not Aspie, who stutter too"

"What about my synesthesia?"

"Yes. It's connected.  Some Aspies and Auties have synesthesia, but not many. Synesthesia  is still pretty  rare."  (sorry I know this is the first time you guys are hearing about the synesthesia, I had kept it under wraps until now, out of respect for Joe's privacy. I may post the full story another time.   Or I may not)

We talked for a long time and then he floored me. Joe clearly has inherited his opportunistic  mother's sense of timing, because he saw that we were being open and talking about conditions and stuff and so he took the opportunity to ask a question of me:

"Mom, do you have a condition that causes you to pass out?" 

*gulp*

"Why do you ask that, sweetie?  Has there ever been a time you couldn't wake me  (I asked, terrified)?

"No. But I remember that time at the park... Remember?"

Of course I remembered. I had taken them to the park after dinner, had started to feel seizure-auray almost as soon as we got there, and had told the protesting kids to get in the car  after only a few minutes ("But we just got here!").  I had told them then that I "felt dizzy" and needed to go home and they complied. Even though it was several months ago,  Joe had remembered and had waited for the right opportunity to ask me about it (see what I mean when I say he processes stuff?)

I was honest with him.  "Yes. I have a condition that causes me to pass out and take funny turns. I have had it for almost three years. That is the reason why I was in the hospital so much a few years ago. But it is not dangerous and I am not going to die or anything"

Joe nodded.

"I thought so"

 

He thinks a lot, that boy. This is a good thing.

Time will tell what he thinks of all this.

Funny

I got a phone call today from the vet's office: 

"How are you?"

I was confused. Why were they calling?

"Did George have an appointment that I forgot about?"

"No.  We are calling to see how you are doing. You weren't in such great shape the last time we saw you and we wanted to make sure you are OK."

"Oh!" 

So I updated her and off she went, wishing me well,  not a word said about any of the pets.

Wow. 

Now in fairness, my PCP checks in on me every onceinawhile, but apart from that, I don't think any of my own doctor's offices have ever called to see how I was doing. 

But my cat's doctor's office did.

Surreal.

It is wrong that that should seem so strange, doncha think?

Consider The Source -Revisited

I wrote a fun post entitled "Consider the Source" before. But this time I want to talk about a more serious topic, which is becoming more important in the blogging world.  I probably should have entitled this piece "Consider the Motive" and it would have worked, but I like to go with my first instinct for a title.

Every now and again, I am approached by someone who wants to talk about a "great new product" or a "great new service"  Usually, when I pull back the covers and investigate a little (because I investigate everything), it will turn out to be a false person endorsing Syrotab or some other scam.

Even if it is a legitimate product or service; e-mail or posts of this nature, -which are essentially solicitations- leave me feeling a bit skeevy. I always wonder at the people who will try to drum up free advertising for their product over the blogosphere.  Especially if they are mining the Autism or disability community to do it.

I got an e-mail yesterday today from someone; -we'll call her "Tiffany"-  who "thought this new Autism website would be of interest to you and your readers" and then included a very professional press release about it.

A press release.  Noooo thankyouverymuch.  OSM does not advertise. So I ignored the e-mail.

Tiffany does not like to be ignored, apparently.

This morning, I get a e-mail from her asking me if I was going to write a post about the "great new website". I told her OSM does not advertise. I thought that was the end of it. But nooo. Tiffany is tenacious  "We are not hoping for an advertisement. I just know that you blog about Autism, and this new service may be of interest to your readers". 

Um. OK. What is that, then if it is not an advertisement? Apart from the 'getting paid' part, of course? Oh wait... It's an endorsement (but still without the 'getting paid' piece). Silly me! It could also be called a mention, a plug or just plain old PR.  It is basically a way to get the fledgling (wannabe) brandname out there to a targeted audience.

Well, as Tiffany the Tenacious wasn't leaving me alone; I got curious. Usually when I say no, people go away. But she kept coming back. I decided to check out the "great new Autism Website", thinking that maybe they were an new, eager non-profit agency running on a tight budget and that Tiffany was perhaps a zealous volunteer or an intern. The site is slick and professional. No telltale 501(c)(3) notice anywhere. They are a for-profit organization. And they want your credit card information. The "great new service" that Tiffany was so gung-ho about is not provided for free, or even on a sliding scale for the needy. It will cost the average Joe (SickMother) $100 per month.  And yet here they are: contacting this Sick Mother in the hope that she will give them free advertising, or maybe spend $100 per month of her disability check on their (untested, unstudied, unproven) "great new service".

Niiiiice

And Tiffany is not a volunteer. She works for a New York City Public Relations agency.

Let me spell it out: This for-profit "Autism" agency is paying a New York PR agency to drum up free endorsements from Autism bloggers.  And that is not the end of it. The data of which bloggers take the bait, and how they 'perform' will be then saved, analyzed, measured and matrixed; and maybe the list of 'high-performing' blogs/bloggers will be re-used and/or sold to other for-profit firms, who wish to break into the Autism vertical.  Because let's face it guys: As I myself have pointed out, Autism is a growing market.

I know I am cynical, but this is how it works, people.

I don't know how many other bloggers have been contact by "Tiffany" and her ilk, but I am sending a warning out there to anyone who has been contacted about a "great new Autism website" to consider the source. And the motive. You may choose to give them a plug if you think the product looks good, (and I don't blame anyone who does), but I personally have a hard time with PR people being paid to trawl  the Internet, looking for bloggers to exploit.

For all bloggers: Here is a one-minute guide on how to spot a professional who may be looking to exploit you:

• Including a press release is a dead giveaway
• So is follow-up: "I was just wondering if..."  or my favorite: "I just wanted to touch base..."
• If the company/site that they are trying to sell is an US company, check their site to see if it says anywhere that is is a 501(c)(3) corporation, which signifies a not-for-profit.  Most NFP corporations state so clearly.
• Check the domain name on the e-mail address of the sender (the part after the @). Go to whateveritis.com and research *that* company. You will know pretty quickly if that company is a marketing or PR agency. If it is, ...well, proceed at your own discretion (but don't say I didn't warn you!).

So there you are, Tiffany.  You got me to write a post in the end. It may not be exactly what you wanted, but all advertising is good advertising, right? 

Or maybe; -as King Midas found out, you should be careful what you wish for.

Oh!  and put me on your "do not call" list.

K? Thx

Buh-bye.

English Is Dead. Long Live The Internet!

Like an alarmingly humongous number of other members of the human race, I have a Facebook account. Because I am home too much and on the computer too much, I spend too much time thereon. I have through this account, and through my blog and a few other Internet sites, "friended" many people from around the globe, who I would never have met otherwise. I can now boast friends in Egypt, Canada, Hong Kong, Japan, Brazil, Australia and the Philippines, as well as the US and the UK (and only one in Ireland, curiously enough).

My Global friends and I communicate through English, although some of my friends are more successful in this than others. Now I am not knocking anyone's attempts to communicate with a native speaker in a second or third (or fourth!) language. Not at all!  They do way better in English than I would in Arabic, Cantonese or Portuguese.  No. I don't think  global communication or sites like Facebook are responsible for the death of the English Language.

I think texting is responsible.

Honestly, the day I receive a text message from Himself that reads something like "R u going 2 da str 4 milk?"  I will leave him (he is probably texting now, with great hope in his little heart even as I type this!).  Bad enough to send something like that from a phone or (worse) blackberry, but to sit down in front of a full QWERTY keyboard and type something like that is just shameful.  But people do it! Gah!

And here is where I think Facebook comes in: Non-English speakers see the English speakers typing this shit and they think it is acceptable, so they do it too. And before you know it, English has deteriorated into a series of vowel-less utterances no more than three letters long.

Sorry folks, it's not acceptable. Not to me, anyway.

I isn't just the written word, either.  Spoken English is crucified on a regular basis. Some of this is funny and amusing. I like to adopt the American habit of adding "-assed" to my adjectives; like  "freaky-assed"  etc.  I find it amusing (and then I wonder why Joe is obsessed with cursing and foul language...  And no. I dont' do it in front of him. I just think he might share some of my predilections).

But some of the butchering is just uncalled for:  The phone rang on Friday, somebody needing to speak to Himself. I took a message:

"Tell him to call this number and ax for Stella"

"um... You want him to call the number and then hit Stella with a hatchet?"

"What?"

"Isn't that what "ax" means?  To hit with a hatchet?" (I ask in my best Irish accent)

"tell him to ask for Stella."

"Oh!      OK. I'll do that."  (Bitchy, bitchy, bitchy. I know...  But satisfying all the same. OSM 1, the rest of the world about 50 gazillion...

...a day.)

On a completely unrelated note: I am going to change the blog around a bit, because I am bored with it. I am thinking I will maybe put up a "best of OSM" section with some of my most Googled pieces for easier access.  Please let me know if you have any faves you would like me to add to that section. I know some of my own favorite posts, but I am probably not the best judge of my own work.  You can e-mail me (link on the top left of the page) if you don't want to comment.

or u cn fnd me on FB  :P

Setting Goals: The Reading List

I have always been a very driven, goal oriented person.  It is one of the reasons I did well in the software business for so long, I was able to strive toward a goal;  work to a deadline and pull many (sometimes unwilling) colleagues along with me, by sheer force of will (and occasional threats of violence).

But it is very difficult to set goals when you are chronically ill. Surprisingly (to me), even the small goals proved a challenge. 

I tried. I took some classes. I had to drop out of the PhotoShop class halfway through because I was having seizures or auras.  I stopped the yoga class because they were doing a lot of moves that are ill advised for a person with Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome and/or Syringomyelia. I kept having to bail on my neighbour for our dog-walking runs because of seizures and fatigue or pain. I was fired from Physical Therapy because I kept having seizures there. And I grew tired of missing goals I set for myself around the house (like repaint the upstairs bathroom, which is tiny); unable to perform them due to pain, fatigue, seizures or dizziness.

There are a lot of things I would like to do and learn. Ambitious (and currently impossible) projects like an MBA aside; there are many classes I would like to attend, just for laughs: Knife skills, sewing, ballroom dancing,  (an ambitious one, that), yoga, pilates, pottery, jewelry making, beading, painting -... the list is endless! But right now, I can't do it. I cannot spend money I don't have on a class I may not be able to attend.  It is very limiting. And soul destroying.

Recently, my seizures and dizziness have been even worse, leaving me even more bored and isolated. I have been spending less time on the computer because the screen bothers my eyes. I was stuck for something to do, because I CANNOT sit and watch telly for hours on end.  I knit until my hands hurt. I listened to all my CD a gazillion times, got bored with all of them, but was too poor or stingy to seek new music.  So I finally renewed my relationship with the public library. 

Cool.

And I decided that now is the perfect time; -while I am pretty disabled, and until I can get some decent treatment, to do something I had been meaning to do for many years. Read some classic novels.  Oh yeah baby!  Here is an opportunity to set some goals AND to improve my tiny little mind.  My butt may suffer, but it was suffering anyway. Without good medical guidance, there is no helping the butt right now.

I  decided to set myself a list of 26 classic novels to read, one for each letter of the alphabet. When I am finished that list I will assign myself another one. I was unsure where to begin, so I shouted out to my Facebook friends for some recommendations which they readily gave (thank you!).  And then I gathered a few "100 best..." lists off the Internet, went through those and -somewhat randomly- came up with my final list. I thought to keep it to one per letter of the alphabet where possible, because that would place some books on there that I probably would not have chosen otherwise -just to mix things up a bit. And it stops me from reading only books that start with "G" or "H", or from reading six books by the same author at once; both habits towards which I gravitate.  

There are some obvious holes in this list because I may have read the book already a gazillion times, (Wuthering Heights) or because I just couldn't be arsed (Ulysses).  I couldn't find any J, K, X and Q books, so I substituted those with  a few other letters.  I am sharing this list just to keep myself honest (but I reserve the right to stop reading a book if I hate it)!

A

Anna Kerenina by Leo Tolstoy

Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand

B

Blood Meridian by Cormac McCarthy

C

Cat's Cradle by Kurt Vonnegut

Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoevsky

D
Dracula by Bram Stoker

E

Enders's Game  by Orson Scott Card

F

Frankenstein by Mary Shelly

G

Germinal by Emile Zola

The Grapes of Wrath by  John Steinbeck

H

A Handful of Dust Evelyn Waugh 
(Mrs whatsername with the hand-knit Fair Isle sweaters from high school will be happy that I finally crossed something off me High school reading list after all these years.  Although I didn't realize until today that Waugh wrote "Brideshead Revisited", which I had read  before high school, or I might have lost one less brownie point from her.)

The Heart of the Matter by Graham Greene

I

I , Claudius by  Robert Graves
(loved the TV series with Derek Jacoby!)

L

Loving by Henry Green

M

Madame Bovary by Gustave Flaubert

N

Nostromo by Joseph Conrad

O

One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest by Ken Kesey

P

Play it As It Lays by Joan Didion

R

Ragtime by E.L. Doctorow

S

Shirley by  Charlotte Bronte

T

Tender is the Night by F. Scott Fitzgerald

U

Under the Volcano by Malcolm Lowry

V

V. by Thomas Pynchon

W

The Wide Sargasso Sea by Jean Rhys

Y

Yarrow by Charles de Lint

Z

Zuleika Dobson by Max Beerbohm

 

I have no idea how long this will take me, and I am setting myself no timeframes for completion of this task. The satisfaction should be in the journey, anyway. 

I hope.

Dying For A Climax

Everyone has heard the old joke:  Men have both a brain and a penis, but only enough blood to operate one of these at a time.

However not content with this, some men like to have their brain blood-flow further compromised by having a something -usually a scarf, wrapped around the neck by the partner and held tight almost to the point of passing out. It is said to enhance arousal and orgasm.  The practice is called erotic asphyxiation in technical terms. "Scarfing" is the colloquial term. 

Now I can't personally speak to scarfing; -except when confronted with a plate of cheesy fries at Boulder Creek. And in that context, it means something completely different. It was suggested to me as something to try after that Sean Connery movie with references to the subject came out (Rising Sun), but there was no way. It just seems to me that there is way too fine a line between ecstasy and injury/death in this scenario. Even with a partner.  And also frankly (and I am being VERY frank in this post!), the idea of it didn't appeal to me one jot. Sorry. Even this Sick Mother has a line she won't cross.

To attempt the practice of erotic asphyxiation while alone (known as auto-erotic asphyxiation) is utter folly, because there is no-one there to rescue you if you do actually pass out and your dead weight pulls the wrong way on the ligature (or there is no-one around to remove the plastic bag from your head).

David Carradine apparently knows that now -wherever he is.

You know, it breaks my heart to think of David Carradine dead in this fashion, in a wardrobe in Bankok with a rope around his neck and genitals.  It is such an ignominious end to a life. Any life. But particularly his. That story -the sensationalism of it, will be the thing about him that people remember now. Not his career, or what kind of person he was or what he stood for in life. But how he died, exposed in the worst possible way.   I really feel for his family.

Speaking of families: Another high-profile case of auto-erotic asphyxiation was the death of INXS singer Michael Hutchence, which was officially ruled a suicide. Paula Yates, who was Hutchence's partner and the mother of his baby daughter, Tiger Lily,  always disputed the suicide ruling and came right out and said what had caused his death. Then she went into a black depression and died of an accidental heroin overdose, was found by then four-year-old old Tiger ("Mummy won't wake up"). Then she; thus orphaned, ended up being raised by Yate's ex-husband, Bob Geldof. -Not to cast any aspersions on Geldof, but I wonder if Michael Hutchence had any inkling of the chain reaction his little need to get off in a hotel room that night would cause, would he maybe have forgone the belt and settled instead for some less exciting but much safer Oil of Olay? 

I think so too.

Of course, it is not just celebrities who die this way. They are the ones we hear about, but normal people are just as affected. It is hard to find good statistics, because many of the deaths my be ruled as suicide or misadventure out of respect for the families, but it is estimated that up to 1,000 people in the USA die each year from auto-erotic asphyxia.  That is a lot of families impacted by this. It was difficult for me to find any recent literature on the subject, but this paper had some good information.

I just want to say this to anyone who has happened upon this site while researching autoerotic asphyxiation in the hope of applying it to themselves: 

Think about what might happen if you die doing it. I mean really think about it. And don't think you won't die, because that's that they all think. But die they do. Michael Hutchence was a very handsome rock star, well traveled and I'm sure well educated in matters of erotica, who probably got more mileage out of his willy in a month than most people get in a year (or more!). But that didn't save him. 

Just think about how your mother might feel if she found you in a similar situation to the guy in the photos on rotten.com (not posting the link, sorry). I am not going to post or link the pictures here because they are very graphic photographs of a somewhat decomposed man in drag, who died with a plastic bag over his head and his willy out. Scroll down and look for the keyword Crossdressphyxia. 

His mom must be so proud.

As must Stephen Milligan's mum. He was a conservative (Tory) member of the British Parliament, who in (I think) 1994, was found dead on his kitchen table, wearing stockings and suspenders with a trash bag over his head, an electric cord around his neck and an orange in his mouth. My good friend AM has that list memorized. Regardless of whatever good that man may have done in his life, either as a journalist or a politician, the only thing anyone ever remembers about him is his manner of death. 

And when you think about it like that, auto-erotic asphyxiation is not exciting at all. Just sad.

Don't try it at home. Or in a hotel room.

Or anywhere.

Ever.

An Updatey Kind of Post

I guess you guys are due an an update on me and my situation.  When I start getting phone calls along the lines of "How are you?  What's going on with the diagnosis?", I know I am overdue a personal update. After all many of my readers are my good friends, who rely on this blog for the latest in my medical woes (it saves me repeating myself!)

• I finally got my medical records from the cardiologist. It only took about 5 weeks.
   
• I have been trying to get into the Dysautonomia lab in NYC for extensive dysautonomia testing, which my rheumy fully supports. This place is harder to get into than the Freemasons!  They already rejected my prescription from the Rheumy, saying they need more information on my symptoms -but not from me (who do they think experiences the symptoms, Barack Obama?). So I am off to see #25, so I can give him a list of my symptoms and history, which he can then re-package and send to the lab.  It is completely ludicrous.
   
• We had the Middle school IEP meeting for Joe (Middle school! Bloody hell! I'm not ready!). It went well, but it was a bit disconcerting to see the amount of backup I got when I asked for an aide for him. No fewer than FIVE (5) of the people who work closely with him nodded emphatically  and said he would need a full-time aide in middle school. I am grateful for the support (and of course we got the aide). But now I am kind of terrified of middle school. And Joe will hit the roof when he learns he will have a 1-one-1!  Too bad. He will definitely need it -at least for the first year. 
  
  He is going to be in a co-teaching class: A mixture of GenEd and SpecEd kids and two teachers. One SpecEd and one Gen Ed. I think this will be a good setup for him.
   
• Grace turned 9 in May.  She is halfway to (official) adulthood now. Mother of God! I'm not ready for this!
   
• Guys may want to skip this one: I have been feeling especially shitty of late. Seizurey, headachy, numb-footy, unsteady, interspersed with short periods of feeling like my pre-seizure self. I think a lot has to do with the fact that my cycle is completely messed up. I have been trying to get in to see a new gynecologist, recommended by the rheumy, who I trust.  However this new doctor is somewhere between the Freemasons and the NYC dysautonomia clinic on the scale of 'difficulty to get into" I have considered going back to my old gyno, but I have rejected this notion on grounds that she is a bitch.
   
• (Yes. I am a bitch too. I have never denied this)
   
• I stopped taking Limbrel.  This was kind of an unconscious decision. I forgot to take it for a day. When I remembered that I had forgot, I realized that I was feeling marginally less bloaty, so I went right on forgetting! After a(nother) day or so, the severe right-side abdominal pain I had had for a month, which I had thought was an ovary, started to abate.  It has not recurred.   The rheumy says it was the right decision. Another med bites the dust!
   
• My hands are slightly better, but I think this is because the weather has been warmer.
• My good friend Wynda, who left this area about 10 years ago, returned for a visit and it was lovely to see her. She was amazed (naturally) at how big and interesting the kids have become. When last she saw them, there was only one, and he was just an eating and pooing machine back then (albeit a cute one!).
   
• I have not lost the 10 pounds I gained while on Limbrel.  I went back on Atkins for about a week, but ...Man!  -steak aside  (and I love steak, but it is expensive); it is so bloody BORING! I don't know how I did it for so long...

I'm sure there is more, but that should be enough to be getting along with. 

Oslo Health Solutions: Preying On The Sick Part III

I'm kind of sick talking about these people by now, to be honest with you. I have devoted hours and hours of rather nauseating research to Oslo Health Solutions and their claims. There are many, many more hours of work that could be done; -just on the Internet alone, before one starts on private and other channels, but I don't have the resources for it, financially,  physically or spiritually.

But there are two areas I do want to explore:  How people like this might think, because it seems to me,  their thought processes are very different than us trusting honest normal people. Maybe getting into their brains a little will help us to beware of others of their ilk.

And I also want to let you know how you can fight back; against people like this in general and against Oslo Health Solutions (OHS) in particular.  Because let's face it: Oslo Health Solutions run a pretty despicable operation and they need to be stopped.  Now.

So how do they think they can get away with it?  I have thought about this and I think I figured out a few um ....principles for Internet fraud.

1. Lie Big:
   It is a concept con-men have down cold, but one that most decent people can't get their heads around:  If you are going to lie to people: Lie big. Don't bend or massage the truth.  People are expecting that. Most normal people lie small, They exaggerate or use words like "almost" or "virtual".  But the truth is usually somewhere underneath. People expect this and watch out for exaggerations and small lies. People generally don't expect a lie to be totally bald-faced and to have no relation to the truth. Therefore we see the grandiose claims OHS make and we expect there is some truth to them. This is why OHS were so smart in their pitch. They understood this and therefore they sold so high, but delivered so low, they seem to have flown right underneath most radars.  
    
2. Divide and Conquer: 
   People with specific illnesses don't generally go looking for herbal treatments for other illnesses, so if one product was exposed as a fraud, then it is just that one out of ...what?  ...about 60 now that I have found?... I figure OHS simply dump the product that was exposed, find a new disease, re-brand the website and labels as "new disease-Tab" and then carry on selling the exact same product to a different market.
   
   I guess OHS didn't expect anyone to search on more than one or two of the diseases they cover. The must have figured that chances that someone would work out that they are selling  the same list of ingredients as  a completely guaranteed and clinically proven herbal treatment for up to nineteen (19) different conditions, from teething troubles to Multiple System Atrophy (MSA), which is generally fatal within two years of diagnosis (Elizabeth at Screw Bronze! has MSA. Read her blog if you want some graphic descriptions of what it does to one .... and   -Quick! give her some shallots and Red Earth!  That'll be bound to cure her...)
   
   
3. Avoid well-organized groups:
   There is No MS-Tab, no Breast Cancer-Tab, no Autism or Aspie-Tab, no Alzheimer's-Tab and I think there is a very good reason for this. It is probably the same reason Cardio-tab no longer exists:  These conditions are highly public and have well-populated organizations and lots of support groups surrounding them, the jig would be up pretty quickly with most of these conditions. -I was actually surprised to find MD-tab, Leukotab and Parkotab, as they are also quite well organized too.  
    
4. Use the Global Market to confuse your  umm... "customers":
   If you set up shop based out of a small, little understood country in Scandinavia, then ship your product from Pakistan, most normal sick people won't be able to figure out how to take action against you from halfway around the world... 
   
   But keep reading.  I have found a fair bit of information on this.

I have two imaginary scenarios for who could be behind Oslo Health Solutions:  In the first one, it is a couple of teenagers, now young men, who started it as little more than a lark out of someone's bedroom, not fully comprehending the real lives that could be effected behind the illness they researched on-line to create new markets for a Pakistani Hemorrhoid preparation.

It the other scenario, it was started very deliberately by adults who have no regard for others, knew exactly what they were doing and are in this game to make money, not caring at all who gets hurt in the process.

Regardless, it is wrong.

Several people asked me, both in comments and through other channels, if we could inform the FDA about this. I don't think the FDA has any interest, as natural remedies and herbal supplements are not very regulated here in the US. However, they might be interested to investigate if they thought Americans were being sold Strychnine as a supposed cure for Parkinson's disease.   I will look into this.

However, FDA aside (for now), the Norwegian government DOES regulate (and tax!) natural remedies. It falls under the jurisdiction of the Norwegian Medicines Agency, and they have an English version of their website, and of their contacts page (how cool is that?), complete with e-mail addresses, so you can send the links directly. I love Scandinavian efficiency!

Now, I suspect that Oslo Health Solutions are trying to get around some of the European laws and regulations governing sales of herbal remedies as well as false advertising laws by manufacturing and shipping their product from Pakistan. 

However, Pakistan now has the Electronic Transaction Ordinance (2002) which protect consumers in electronic commercial transactions, such as buying poison from Pakistan. More interestingly, there is the 2007 Electronic Crime Ordinance which has this interesting clause, potentially punishable by death:

17. Cyber terrorism. -

a. Any person, group or organization who, with terroristic intent utilizes, accesses or causes to be accessed a computer or computer network or electronic system or electronic device or by any available means, and thereby knowingly engages in or attempts to engage in a terroristic act commits the offence of cyber terrorism.

Explanation1: For the purposes of this section the expression “terroristic intent” means to act with the purpose to alarm, frighten, disrupt, harm, damage, or carry out an act of violence against any segment of the population, the Government or entity associated therewith...."

Do you think that selling Strychnine to Parkinson's patients over the Internet could be interpreted as "Intent to harm, damage or carry an act of violence against a segment of the population..." (what we in America would call a hate crime)?  I think it could be.  

Interesting stuff, eh? 

Now: Of the sites I investigated (and I have to admit that a few, such as Inisitab, and Abdotab were late additions to the party) the vast majority claimed to be run our of Norway, from this address:

Oslo Health Solutions

Oslo Health Solutions
Suite 329
Youngstorget
NO-0028 Olso
Norway

There are a few exceptions, Some had no address whatsoever, but when you click on the "order now" , button, it comes up as Oslo Health Solutions. These included Raynotab, Guillatab, Clearotab,

...and a few products seemed to be run out of the UK, from corporations (...or are they? "Inc" is not a UK corporation suffix  "Ltd" or "plc" are the norm over there.  ...Hmmmm.)  supposedly operating over there.  Note the addresses are all exactly the same.

Vertigo Tab Inc
Suite 10 & 11
Siddeley House
50 Canbury Park Road
Kingston Upon Thames
Surrey - KT2 6LX
UK

Anemia Tab Inc
Suite 10 & 11
Siddeley House
50 Canbury Park Road
Kingston Upon Thames
Surrey - KT2 6LX
UK

Psoriasis Tab Inc
Suite 10 & 11
Siddeley House
50 Canbury Park Road
Kingston Upon Thames
Surrey - KT2 6LX
UK

Vitiligo Tab was the one which had buried its tracks particularly well. No address, no telltale "Oslo Health Solutions" banner on the order form. The Web site was registered to a "Charls Dickens" (sic)  of

Berkeley Square House,
W1J 6BD
London,  W1J 6BD
United Kingdom

In the UK, companies making false claims over the Internet are regulated by  The Trading Standards Institute.  Vitigilo tab is claiming that "Vitiligo Tab is our 100% guaranteed and clinically proven permanent cure for Vitiligo" (my emphasis). Psoriasis Tab and Vertigo Tab also claim a "100% cure", whereas Anemia Tab claims a "completely guaranteed and clinically proven herbal treatment for Anemia".  Are these false claims?  I dunno, but I think they should be investigated by the appropriate parties.

So what you do is this: You go to their site and enter the postcode

for the guys against whom you wish to complain, which is KT2 6LX  or W1J 6BD (for Charls Dickens) and you follow the instructions from there.

Little people can fight back, you know. We just need to get the right muscle on our side.

Oslo Health Solutions: Preying On The Sick Part II

This is Part II of my little exploration of a unscrupulous company who takes advantage of sick people by selling them herbal remedies under false pretenses. In part I, I told you about the products sold by Oslo Health Solutions, which is by far the worst offender out there that I have found. In Part II, I am sticking with Oslo Health Solutions, and concentrating on the ingredients they claim are beneficial for a very wide variety of serious ailments. I am uncovering new and interesting information every day, none of it good.

 I promised you an analysis of the formulations that Oslo Health Solutions (OHS) purport to use for the various ailments that they purport to treat.  I performed this exercise a couple of years ago on the Syrotab formulation, what I am now calling "Formulation 1" herein, as it is touted not only for the "guaranteed treatment of Syringomelia" (a condition which cause hideous pain, disablement and eventual death), but as a "guaranteed treatment" for several conditions, including Post-Polio syndrome (potentially crippling), Osteomyelitis (potentially fatal) , Peripheral Neuropathy (often treatable if the underlying cause is located) and Muscular Dystrophy (both crippling AND fatal).  My little analysis at the time was done for fun, and it was amusing-if-a-little-scary then. Looking back and knowing what  I now know, Formulation 1

The main ingredients are listed as

Magnesium Murakab
Zinc Murakab
Berberis aristate
Ext Egg Shell Calcium
Sulphur
Substituted olive Oil

The exact proportion of each ingredient has been deliberately kept secret to avoid imitations of our confidential formula.

LETS BREAK THIS DOWN, SHALL WE?

Magnesium Murakab, Zinc Murakab
I could not find any information on these specific formulations of magnesium and zinc. So I looked up the work “Murakab”:

It is an Islamic concept meaning “complex ignorance” See the following explanation:

The classical ulama of Islam divided ignorance into two parts; namely; simple (basiit) ignorance and complex (murakab) ignorance. In simple ignorance one knows that one does not know whereas in complex ignorance one does not know that one does not know. Often people who do not have book knowledge, i.e., those who did not have the chance to study at universities are characterized by simple ignorance. This type of ignorance is not as deadly as complex ignorance since one does not have the arrogance and the pride that often accompanies the thought of considering oneself ’educated’.

Hmmm. Something smelled bad. So I kept looking down the ingredients list:

Berberis aristate Ext: OK this is actually something, though misspelled.  It is extract from the plant Berberis Aristata, English name Tree Tumeric, the root of which has antibiotic and anti-inflammatory properties. (To my eyes, They will need all the anti-inflammatory properties they can get to counterbalance that "Murakab" jab.)

Egg Shell Calcium (quoi? I know eggshells won't do any harm if ground up finely, but I don't think the type of calcium found in eggshells is can be absorbed by humans)

Sulphur:  (in what form? and some people are allergic to sulphur -where's the warning?)

Substituted olive Oil: Substituted for what? Or more interestingly; what was substituted for olive oil?

My summary at the time:

Should I ever get the urge to sprinkle my breakfast eggs with tree tumeric, sulphur and complex ignorance, then eat them shells and all, I will let you guys know how I get on. In the meantime,. I think that anyone with Syringomyelia or other conditions should save their money to apply to real medical expenses.

("Had the effectiveness of Syrotab not been proven beyond any doubt, it would not be "possible for us to make such a bold claim")

Formulation 2:

The main ingredients, according to Oslo Health Solutions are:

Berberis aristata D.C Ext.
Melia azadirachta Linn Seed
Raphanus satirus Linn
Melia azadirachta Bark
Red earth
Sulphur (purified)
Allium ascalonicum seed

These ingredients, presumably in different combinations (if one is to be kind) are "guaranteed" by OHS to treat the following

Muscular Fasciculation

Kugelberg Welander Syndrome 

Pseudotumor Cerebri

Ascites

Myelodysplastic Syndromes

Teething Troubles (Yes. They say you should give it to babies!)

Spasmodic Torticollis

Enlarged Tonsils

Arachnoid Cysts

Multiple System Atrophy

Ameloblastoma

Wiskott Aldrich Syndrome

Horner's Syndrome

Chordoma

Benign Essential Tremor

Myelodysplastic Syndromes

Benign Essential Blepharospasm

Cronkhite-Canada Syndrome

Megaloblastic Anemia

Really.

So I did a little research on each of these ingredients:

Berberis aristata D.C Ext.: Here again is our friend the Tree turmeric, spelled correctly this time.

Melia Azadirachta Linn Seed: Azadirachata Indica is an evergreen tree native to India and the region. It is used for medicinal purposes: The bark is used for fever, nausea and skin diseases. The leaves are used for skin diseases -but applied topically.

I couldn't figure out what the seed oil (I presume this is what Linn Seed means) is used for specifically.

Raphanus satirus Linn: I think this might actually refer to Raphanus Sativus Linn, which is the Chinese radish. Its seeds are used for natural medicine in diuretics and laxatives and also to help naso-pharyngeal affections and stomach troubles

Melia azadirachta Bark: Bark from the Azadirachata Indica tree as mentioned previously. The bark is used for fever, nausea and skin diseases.

Red Earth: Um. I think as the description suggests, this is earth (dirt) that is red, from India. It is seems to be used in face packs and the like. I don't know why anyone would eat it, but maybe there is a good reason.

Sulphur (purified): Used in Indian homeopathic medicine. I am not sure what for, exactly

Allium ascalonicum seed: Allium ascalonicum is the common shallot. Shallots appear to contain more flavonoids and phenols than other members of the onion family.

While researching these ingredients, I found them listed in the same order, with the same misspellings, on a site that appears to have nothing (publically) to do with Oslo Health Solutions.

Check out the information for Pileen, a natural remedy for hemmorhoids, which is marketed and sold by Ark Corporation (Rawalpindi, Pakistan)

Some text from their site:

PILEEN is an effective herbal remedy for treatment of piles or haemorrhoids. It stops bleeding of haemorrhoids and relieves pain and inflamation. Pileen also removes the constipation, which is one of the main cuases of piles. Pileen is equally effective for both (internal and extrenal) forms of piles.

WHAT IS PILES?
Piles, also known as haemorrhoids, are swollen blood vessels in the back passage. There are two types of piles - internal or external: Internal piles are the most common form of the condition and appear as bright red shiny swellings inside the anal canal, covered in the thin, moist lining of the rectum. External piles are swollen veins close to the anal opening, covered in a layer of skin with a dark red or dusky purple appearance and can resemble bunches of grapes.The main cuases of piles are constipation (for a long period) and use of too much chillies and spices.

To prevent piles :

• Ensure that there is adequate roughage (bran, whole grains, green vegetable, and fruits) in your diet.
• Avoid alcohol, tea, coffee and very spicy food
• Drink at least 8 glasses of water daily preferably non-refrigerated.
• If your life style is sedentary include some exercises in your daily routine.
• Get yourself treated for any condition that is causing you to strain such as chronic cough
• Attend to nature's call daily and do not postpone the urge to defecate, but do not sit for too long in the toilet.
• Maintain god hygiene and keep the anal area dry learn to relax mentally and regularize your life style
• Isabghol husk can be taken as a bulk forming laxative.

DOSAGE:
Two tablets thrice a day with water.

INGREDIENTS:
Berberis Aristata ,Melia Azedarch, Linn Seed, Raphanus Satirus, Red Earth, Purified Sulphur, Allium Ascaionicum Seed.

Just a side-by-side look at the ingredients again: Pileen above, multiple OHS products below

Berberis aristata D.C Ext.
Melia azadirachta Linn Seed
Raphanus satirus Linn
Melia azadirachta Bark
Red earth
Sulphur (purified)
Allium ascalonicum seed

Fascinating, huh?

The funniest fact is this:  OSH do sell a product called Hemorotab, but the ingredients are completely different than the hemmorhoid treatment they apparently re-label and sell to treat MSA and other serious health conditions! Mad, eh? Here is the list for Hemorotab (Hemorotab! I ask you?! Sweet mother of God! I couldn't MAKE this stuff up!)

(The main ingredients of Hemorotab tablets are: Nuqra flakes , Ruby triturated, Turquoise, Agate green, Bombyx mori, Elettaria cardamomum, Conucilien, Corallium rubrum, Coral, Sea coconut, Ambra grasea, Aquilaria ovata, Delphinium denudatum, Doronicum hookeri, Lapis lazuli, Myristica indica, Pearls triturated, Vateria indica, zehar mohra, Crocus sativus

Hmmmm ...rather heavy on the precious and semi-precious stones, this one. Who knew hemmorhoids were so status-conscious?)

...but I digress...

On to Formulation 3...

This one is supposedly for the treatment of Idiopathic thrombocytopenic purpura (ITP), which is a bleeding condition in which the blood doesn’t clot as it should due to a low platelet count. OHS's "treatment" for this includes the following.

Ammonium Chloride
Potassium Nitrate
Cinnamomum
Tamala
Rheum Emodi, Wall
Base Q . S

My analysis:

Ammonium Chloride: Salt of Ammonia. Its expectorant action is caused by irritative action on the bronchial mucosa. This causes the production of excess respiratory tract fluid which presumably is easier to cough up. I'm not sure what benefit this woudl have to bleeding or platelets, exactly.

Ammonium salts are an irritant to the gastric mucosa and may induce nausea and vomiting.  (Again, not getting the platelet connection here)

Potassium Nitrate: Salt Peter. A popular misconception was that potassium nitrate caused impotence and it used to be added to food in all-male institutions. This myth has been debunked. However, potassium nitrate and other nitrates do successfully combat high blood pressure and are used medically to relieve angina.  (Fair enough -not that I think ITP causes either of these problems.)  Oh and BTW:   Platelets, anyone?

Cinnamomum Tamala: Indian Bay leaf. It is mostly used as a seasoning, but is reputed to help colic, diarrhoea, and "rheumatism". It is also said to reduce blood sugar.

Rheum Emodi, Wall: Reported to be useful in biliousness, chronic bronchitis, asthma, sore eyes and bruises.(OK! Maybe this one is for the platelets!)

Base Q . S: I could only find references to this as a listed ingredient in some shampoo that is supposed to prevent hair loss...

Formulation 4.

For Peptic Ulcer Disease,  -the thing that struck me -just looking down this list, was that there is a lot of strong, fragrant substances being sold to soothe a peptic ulcer? Logically, that doesn't compute...

Camphor: Camphor is used in several cough preparations such as Vicks and Buckley's as a cough suppressant and topical analgesic

Menthol: Menthol has analgesic properties that are mediated through a selective activation of κ-opioid receptors. Menthol also enhances the efficacy of ibuprofen in topical applications via vasodilation, which reduces skin barrier function

Oleum anisi: Oil of Anise is employed as an aromatic carminative to relieve flatulence. The oil may be administered on sugar or as Spiritus or Elixir Anisi. It is a mild expectorant, and is an ingredient of simple cough lozenges, often in combination with liquorice

Oleum carvi: Caraway Oil is used to impart flavor to medicines, and to correct their nauseating and griping effects

Oleum eucalypti: The oil of eucalyptus (which is chiefly eucalyptol) and eucalyptol, in small doses, are gentle stimulants; in large doses, they occasion irritation of the throat and fauces, with increased flow of saliva; cephalagia, with extreme fatigue; frequency of the pulse; increased temperature; diminution of vascular tension; gastric irritability, and, not unfrequently, diarrhoea, accelerated respiration, the peculiar odor of the oil being exhaled with the breath; and increase of the urinary excretion

Oleum pine: Pine Oil. It is given internally as a disinfectant and expectorant,

Thymol: Thyme extract. Recent medical research on rats concludes that "Thyme extract had relaxing effects on organs possessing β₂-receptors (uterus and trachea). Thymol has GABAergic properties via a mechanism of action similar to the anaesthetic propofol. Though much less potent, thymol may possess abuse potential (Nice!).

Tincture zingiber: Essence of Ginger  used to calm the stomach and also to treat pneumonia, acute and sub-acute dysentery

Formulation 5

This is purportedly for the treatment of Parkinson's Disease, Soft Tissue Sarcomas and Atrial Fibrillation. It was when I started to go through this particular list that I started to feel like I had stepped into the twilight zone. The lady from whom we bought our house had Parkinson's, and I saw a tiny piece of that that did to her. It is a horrible disease (most of the diseases OHS claim to treat are horrible. This seems to be deliberate). To think that these people are selling the list below (read it) as a "completely guaranteed and clinically proven herbal supplement that helps patients overcome the symptoms of Parkinson's Disease" just makes me want to vomit. Apparently, if I took some parkotab, I might do just that! Read on if you have the stomach for it:

Salvia Haematodes: (from a PubMed article) The aqueous extract of the root of Salvia haematodes has been investigated for its pharmacological actions on the cardiovascular and central nervous system. It was found to possess significant cardiotonic and anticonvulsant activities.

Centauria Behan: Centaurea Behen is the correct spelling. A white flower of the knapweed family. Said to be tonic.

Orchis Mascula: The ground-up root (called Salep) is very nutritive, astringent, expectorant and demulcent. It has been used as a diet of special value for children and convalescents,

Delphinium Denudatum: According to an Indian Medical site: "It helps in reducing the inflammation and also helps in relieving pain. It helps in curbing the infection happening in the body and wounds. It is a good nervine tonic and makes the nervous system strong. It improves digestion and normalizes the peristaltic movements in the gut. It stimulates heart for normal functioning and also helps in purifying the infected blood. It checks the respiratory system by expelling out the extra mucus from it. It is a good aphrodisiac agent and also normalizes the menstrual cycle". (I bet the men with Parkinson's will be pleased to have their cycles regulated. Quick! Call Michael J. Fox!)

Myristica Frargrans: Duplicate entry -a mispelling of Myristica Fragrans (i.e. nutmeg) -see below for details

Cinnamonum Cassia: "Chinese cinnamon", a key ingredient in 5 spice seasoning, but has no medical properties that I could find.

Doronicum Pardalia: Thanks to the misspelling of "Doronicum Pardalis" I found this little gem, from our friends at Ark Corporation in Pakistan.

Aren't misspellings fun?!

Doronicum Pardalis: -no such thing. Doronicum is a plant called leopard's bane and Pardalis is a descriptive word meaning well... leopard! (...so that means...what? leopard's leopard's bane? Leopards bane squared? The mind boggles...)

Zingiber Officinale: Common Ginger. It is often used as a natural remedy for stomach upset, motion sickness, and nausea

Asparagus Racemosus: A plant native to India. It is sometimes used to treat dyspepsia.

Paeonia Emodi: The Himalayan Peony. Not only is it purty,

it actually has a significant effect on the Central Nervous System.  Read this.

I don't know if this is necessarily a beneficial effect for Parkinson's sufferers, however...

Serpentine Bezoar:  It sounds like something out of Harry Potter, right? And it almost is. A bezoar is a mass found trapped in the digestive tract of an animal. A hairball is the most common kind (Yum!).

I couldn't find much information about serpetine beozar (outside of references on various OHS sites). I imagine most of the big ones would end up in a serpentine shape (think about it), as opposed to a having been taken from a snake's digestive tract, although maybe that's what they mean. Either way, I am not impressed.

In the middle ages, Beozars were highly prized and considered to be an antidote to any poison; -which theoretically makes it a good thing to put in this particular formulation,  given some of the other ingredients therein (see further down the list). But that myth was debunked in 1575.

Pearl Oster: This may refer to the remains of this woman (at this point, I wouldn't put anything past Oslo Health Solutions!)

...or it could mean "Pearl Oyster". This in turn, could either mean pearl oyster mushrooms, or it could refer to actual ground-up pearls (less likely).

Caryophilus Aromaticus, which are cloves

Kushta Qalee: I can't quite figure this one out. It appears to be some kind of substance popular for male performance improvement, It is used in several such products including  Ejacutab!  (hey look! There's the laughing couple again!)

Stychnos Nuxvomica: Misspelled. This refers to Strychnos Nux-Vomica, which is a product of the Strychnine tree. (Yes, really! Nux Vomica = poision nut!) According to the Internet, It can actually be used to treat flu, fatigue, hangovers, stress, headache and sleeplessness

...and to kill people, of course. Let's not forget that.

Asphaltum: No. This does not refer to ground-up road. Not quite, anyway. Asphaltum does occur naturally and is sold in India as Shilajit (which means destroyer of weakness in Sanskrit -love that!). According to a site I found "it works as a powerful anti oxidant thereby delaying aging. It is an effective remedy in arthritic conditions like rheumatoid arthritis, osteoarthritis, gout and other joint related problems and back pain".

Amber Gris: Ambergris occurs as a biliary secretian of the intetines of the Sperm whale and can be found floating upon the sea, or in the sand near the coast . Ambergris has been mostly known for its use in creating perfume and fragrance much like musk. During the Middle Ages, Europeans used ambergris as a medication for headaches, colds, epilepsy and other ailments

Bambusa Arundinacea: Thorny Bamboo. It is used as an aphrodisiac, diuretic, demulcent, tonic, pectoral, stimulant, and antifertility treatment.

Myristica Fragrans: Nutmeg! (known as Jaiphal in India) Jaiphal is a aromatic, carminative, hallucinogenic, stimulant that is considered effective in digestive disorder, de-hydration & skin disorders.

I wanted to continue this exercise. There are at least 8 other formulations that I have not covered. But honestly, I am feeling quite ill right now. I think If before, anyone might have thought there may be something to the claims of Oslo Health Solutions, the idea of giving whale bile, posion, hairballs and unstudied anti-convulsants to someone with Parkinson's disease will make them think again.

There will be a Part III in this series, because I still have some questions which I think are relevant. However, in the meantime, here is a list of even more Oslo Health Solutions products I have found while researching this piece.

Hernotab, Hemotab, Hemnotab, Hemorotab, Ejacutab, Phyratab, Fibritab

Is there no end? ...