One Sick Mother

I Don't Get The Threat?

A dear friend I have known for years realized -relatively late in her life- that she had been going about some things wrong. For most of her adult life, she had been playing for the wrong team. 

My friend finally came to terms with the fact that she is gay.

I was privileged to have been included in the conversation she had about this with a few close friends. I saw her conflict and wonder. I  was around while she embarked on her first relationship with another woman. I heard about the trip to NYC when she went to gay clubs, where she was celebrated and wooed. I also heard the fears: How to tell friends, parents, family? How would they react? What about my church (friend is deeply religious)? ...school, work, kids' friends, other parents...?

Embracing your difference is hard.

I saw how several of her friends just melted away. Or called her names and stormed away. Or berated her, but stayed (why?); their friendship permanently altered.

And my heart broke for her. My friend -Let's call her LeAnn, is still the same person. Exactly the same. She is just more LeAnn now. Freer. More relaxed. More herself. Happier than I have ever seen her. I am so amazed and glad to see this change in her. 

...but some of the people in her life, including some of her family and former "friends", can't be happy for her. They can't seem to accept LeAnn for who she is (and always was). They want her to go back to being the self-deluded and unhappy individual she had been for years. 

But you can't un-ring that particular bell. It's just not this easy -->

I can't quite figure out if these people don't like change, don't like happy, or don't like gay?

I can certainly understand that some people -especially older family members- will fear for LeAnn and not want to see her subjected to bigotry and hate. As a parent of special-needs children, I understand that fear only too well. But I honestly don't get the rest.

To an extent, I can understand not liking change, but I totally DON'T get not liking "happy" or gay (Ohai Irony! I see you sneaking in there). Why should straight people care?

I mean really. What's it to us?

Watching LeAnn's experience as it unfolded, got me thinking a lot about friends and friendships. I wondered how many of my friends would stick around if I suddenly "switched teams"? So I posted this on my Facebook page:

OneSIckMother idly wonders how many of you guys would unfriend me if I suddenly announced that I'm a lesbian?

I got 70 comments, some questioning if I was serious? (Still a straight woman TYVM, but it's a serious question), most very positive along the lines of "you're stuck with me. Sorry". It was nice to receive all that support and positive reinforcement, and it opened some interesting dialog. But of course, the ones who would probably actually disown me, wouldn't come out publicly and say it. They would quietly slip away  (fun fact: Since I posted that last week, two friends have quietly slipped away. Yes. I was counting!).  Who wants to publicly admit to being a gay-hater? It's not politically correct. Not hip or cool. And yet many people are secret gay-haters.

Maybe "gay-hater" is too strong a term? Maybe "gay-fearer" or "homophobe" is more correct? The end result is much the same, though. Therefore, I don't really distinguish. "Gay-hater" is my preferred term in keeping with my grandfather's tradition of calling a spade a "fuckin shovel". And it has a certain ring to it.

I would really love to have an intelligent (<-note keyword) conversation with one or a group of these anti-gay people. I really want to know what their problem is? I understand that some (few) people may have been assaulted when young -and I kind-of get that. Except there are other people who were assaulted by members of the opposite sex, who don't grow to hate all members of that gender. And I don't think the vast majority of gay-haters can claim their bigotry is based on an experience of that kind. They seem to have more of an inexplicable ...thing, which can't be understood by those of us outsiders (or maybe even themselves). Like arachnaphobia, I guess.   If gay hating is based on a clinical fear, I could probably understand and comiserate a little more, I guess.

However, I checked to see if "Homophobia" is, or ever was a clinical term or indeed a valid diagnosis?

Nope.

It's not a clinically recognised "thing" and never was. 

However "Homosexuality" was listed as a mental disorder as recently as the 1960s.

Backwards, much?

So the haters don't get to hide behind a diagnosis. 

If gay hating isn't a diagnosis, what is the specific problem some people seem to hold so deeply? I have heard some of the arguments

"What they DO... together. That is so disgusting"

To which I say: It's also none of your fucking business what consenting adults do in private. And it might very much surprise you to learn what some very middle-class and upstanding straight citizens do in the privacy of their own bedrooms (or brothels).

"I'm just afraid they'll be interested in ME" 

To which I say: "Get over yourself. You're not that fuckin special."

...Or my personal favorite: 

The religion card in its various forms. Especially the "Christian" card and the "It says in the BIBLE..." argument.

No. No. NO!

That's a red herring and I'm not buying it. Do you hear me? NOT BUYING IT!

You don't get to hide your hatred behind a religious excuse. Let's stop that shit right now. I know there is Leviticus 20:13, but it concludes that gays should be put to death. You don't get to pick and choose. If you don't hold with the whole thing, you can't hold with any of it. And if you DO hold with that entire verse of Leviticus, you have to hold with the entire chapter. Like 20:9 "Any person who curseth his mother or father, must be killed."  Well that's most of us wiped out before we even finish adolescence!

And Don't EVEN get me started on chapter 19! Don't wear clothing made of mixed fabric? Don't shave or cut your hair (then why are so many of the men who quote 20:13 clean shaven)? Picking and choosing one's beliefs through that one book is inconsistent at best, hippocritical at worst. 

 

 

...and FYI: the term "homosexual" was never originally in the Bible. It was added in the 1800s. 

So I am not buying the 'religion' card. I honestly see it as a convenient excuse for hatred. Put it aside and have the gumption to stand on your own true convictions.

 

So if gay hating is not a diagnosis, it's none of your business what adults do together in private, and we remove the "religion" series of excuses, what's left? Why do gay-haters feel so threatened by gay people? I really want to know, and LeAnn does too. The haters owe me nothing, but I think LeAnn deserves an explanation for the hate.

At least give her that much.

The Horrible Word

I am a member of Facebook, and it has been very nice for me to get to know many readers and other people from "here" through that medium. I also reconnected with several old friends, who searched on my name and found that I was still recognizable after many years. (I am particularly unimaginative when it comes to my hairstyle).

I have joined many interest groups and causes on Facebook: some for chronic pain, Syringomyelia, Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (of course) and several others. These groups allow us to connect with people with similar differences, interests or with a common goal.

However, social networking is a double edged sword: In the same way that charities and other groups can get together to work towards a common good, there is also ample opportunity to form groups that condone and spread hatred.  There is a Facebook group that is trying to get the company to remove groups that spread hatred against people with disabilities; physical, developmental, intellectual and
invisible. Here is a link if you want to check it out.  You have to have a Facebook account to see it.

There is also a very interesting discussion on that board regarding language and semantics: Which words to use and which words are/are not offensive.  I have been thinking about that all day and I realized what the most offensive word really is.

Surprise to say: It's not "retard".

And forget gimp, crip(ple), spaz, cretin, Mongol, moron, idiot, "slow", "handicapped", "special (needs)" and imbecile. OK most of these are not acceptable in general usage (and I feel quite sick having typed them all out like that) -especially when used by the able-bodied to reference a person with a disability. HOWEVER, there are some in the disability community who may use words like this to reference themselves or their peers, either ironically or descriptively. So a lot really depends on context and the intention behind the words. I do agree that the noun "retard" should be banned. There is no reason to use it. Ever.

But it is not the worst word out there. The really horrible word is this one:

Hate.

Put "I hate" or "we hate" in front of any of the words in my little list of horrors above, and you have yourself a good example of the kind of nastiness that is out there.  The group I recently joined is doing a good job having many of these groups removed by reporting them to Facebook. But as of yet there is no Facebook policy to ban or prevent these kinds of hate groups before they form.

Now, some of the "hate" groups are actually very constructive: "We hate Cancer";  some are nice "I Hate Hate" or "I hate Intolerance"; some are fun: "I hate Big Brother", and some are supportive: "I Hate Spiders" Naturally, there are a lot of sports-related ones out there ("I bet I can find 1,000,000 people who hate Man. United"), and there are also some anti-(various) races or nations, anti-(various) religions, anti-gay  and anti-(various) minority groups; which are not cool at all. "I hate faggots" has no reason to exist on a site like Facebook, which is trying to sell itself as a more sophisticated MySpace.

...And some of these groups are pure vile, like  "I fucking hate retards" (that is actually the name of the group) This is the description: 

A group for all people who hate mentally handicapped people that are pampered and not taught, with a full understanding, of the world they are so luckily living in. if you hate how fairness is promoted with a double standard in today's society with mentally challenged folk; this is a group for you."

Interestingly enough, this group was started by an Austrian. Welcome back, Adolf! We didn't miss you in the slightest. Now FUCK OFF.

I had another group all picked out, but I couldn't find it again. I had reported it to Facebook earlier, and I think maybe it was removed. Yay me!

So there is something we can do. Way down on the bottom right of every Facebook page there is a "report" link, where you can report a violation of Facebook terms, as Facebook claims it does not tolerate any attacks on a person or a group.  And yes so many of these hate groups are allowed to exist and flourish just a few pages away from all the happy little "save the planet" applications. I have a problem with using Facebook now, knowing that it willingly, if passively harbors so much nastiness.

I have been criticized for my zeal on this issue, told to leave well enough alone. This is not my fight. But if it is not mine, whose is it?   I am reminded of a poem about the Nazis:

First they came for the Communists,
and I didn’t speak up,
because I wasn’t a Communist.

Then they came for the Social Democrats,
and I didn’t speak up,
because I wasn’t a Social Democrat.

Then they came for the Trade Unionists,
and I didn’t speak up,
because I wasn’t a Trade Unionist.

Then they came for the Jews,
and I didn't speak up,
because I wasn't a Jew.

Then they came for me,
and by that time there was no one left to speak up for me.

(attributed to Pastor Martin Neimoller)

The fight against Hate is everyone's fight.  Let the haters congregate and spread evil elsewhere. If Facebook cannot or will not address this issue, then I for one will vote with my (electronic) feet, hang out elsewhere and leave Facebook to the haters.