OSM's Guide to Dealing With a Hypochondriac Friend, Part I

So you're best friend's a hypochondriac. She looks fine In fact, she looks better than most of your other friends the same age. She seems cope fine with everyday life. She manages all the everyday activities just fine (that you can see). However she is always complaining about her health. She stresses out about every little cough or mole. She is always trawling the Internet looking for new ailments with which to diagnose herself. She knows more medical terms than the Oxford Medical Dictionary and yet there is Nothing Wrong With Her.

You wish she would see that this is all in her head and she is fine. Because then she could move on and live her life: and more importantly, her "problems" wouldn't be sucking your time away from your own REAL problems: your  mom's increasing dependence on you since your dad's death and your son's struggles in school. If she could walk a few miles in your shoes she would see what real problems are and that would make her realize how lucky she is and shut her up. You are very frustrated with her behavior.

So you come to One Sick Mother (-not knowing my Secret Internet Identity) for advice:

Well, here is my advice to you:

Either you are her friend or you are not. Make a choice and stick with it.

If you are not going to be her friend; walk away and tell her why. Do not renege or ping-pong on this decision because that will be harder on you both. Really I mean this: If you are not going to support her and take her condition seriously: Walk away.

"But I can be her friend if she will only stop with all this hypochondria crap" I hear you cry"

The thing is: She can't. Her "hypochondria" is part of who she is. Friends are a package deal. They do not come a la carte. You cannot choose which parts of them you like and try to remove or change the parts you don't. This is also true of husbands. Or wives. So stick with the whole friend or walk away.

So let's say you decide to stick with your friend. What then?

"How do I deal with her hypochondria?" you ask. She is always looking to me for medical information and opinions. I don't want to encourage her in her mental illness. I can't be her enabler."

OK. So now who's spouting pseudo-psychological TV bullshit? "Enabler?"  Puleeease!

How do you know your friend is not actually sick and undiagnosed? Are you a doctor? How do you know she is "mentally ill"? Are you a psychiatrist? Oh you're not. I see. Well, was it because her doctor said so? Is he a psychiatrist? No? we then he cannot diagnose hypochondria. So maybe he's just incompetent and blaming her for his failures (ever thought of that?)? Ask yourself this: How would you feel if -after months or years, it turned out that she actually has a rare or little understood condition? Would you feel glad about all those roadblocks you have put in the way so as not to "enable" her in her very valid quest to find treatment? No. You'd probably be sorry. Or pissy and defensive.  Or all three.

So why not take the conservative approach and support her?

Because let's face it: although there are probably some real hypochondriacs out there, just as there are real people with Munchhausen's Syndrome; However, the vast majority of people who are labeled as "hypochondriacs" eventually end up with a valid medical diagnosis.

Or dead.

In that case, the diagnosis usually comes out on autopsy. "Oh! If only I'd known... " you might cry, But your friend knew. She tried to tell you, and you didn't bloody listen.  Because you didn't want to '"enable" her. So you ignored her and enabled her death. Pat yourself on the back. Job well done.

We all have a little voice inside ourselves which is our guiding force. Call it what you will: intuition, instinct, God, your gut. It is the thing that tells you when someone is lying or if a situation just doesn't feel right. It is the thing that made you argue with the doctor when your kid was sick and he said nothing was wrong. It is the reason you don't trust that guy in the bookstore -despite the fact that he has been nothing but nice to you. It is the one voice you always regret ignoring. Because if you spurn or ignore an instinct, you usually regret it (if you live).

You friend has that voice too. It is telling her that something is not right in her body, but the doctors cannot tell her what is wrong. Her symptoms may be too unspecific or intermittent. They don't fit into a neat pigeonhole. And guess what: she looks great! (she probably eats right and takes all her vitamins). So the fatigue must be depression. The doc writes a script for anti-depressants to get her out of his hair, and so the downward spiral begins.

Because your friend doesn't understand how she could be depressed when she doesn't feel depressed. She hasn't lost interest in the things she loves. She has lost the energy to do them. Of course if time continues and she still feels this bad, she will become depressed. It hasn't happened yet, but everyone seems to be willing it so. Putting the cart before the horse, so so speak. And she is stuck, facing down both barrels of a self-fulfilling prophecy, and unable to do a thing about it.   

Comments

[By His Grace]

Great angle to a common situation, my friend! Um...having been one who was told that her neurological problem was really all emotionally based, only to find out my C1 is still broken and now that my skull slipped off a bit from my C1 and fused there, well, needless to say, I'm a bit cranky these days when I hear someone condemn a friend as being too "obsessed" with medical research online! Oh yeah, I heard that one not long ago, too.

Know what eats me up, too? Is people saying "Fred got addicted to painkillers." I try to ask this judgmental person, "Was Fred addicted to the meds or to feeling normal?" This query always ends up on a trajectory up in the ionosphere above the "judge and jury's" head.

SOOO great to see how much you've written here and also, so great to have seen you in NY. Just not long enough and during a time that I was probably at my lowest. The candy was a big hit on the east coast and on the west! I have a lovely pic of you to remind me you really WERE there and not one of my hallucinations.

God bless you, my friend...see you again in six months or less!
love, BHG

[One Sick Mother]

I was thinking about you a lot when I wrote this piece actually, because let's face it: Someday your case will be held up as a textbook example of what NOT to do in the case of a serious trauma like yours. And then what not to do next (and what not to do after that... ad infinitum)

Because if they said that about you... well, how can the rest of us defend ourselves?

...but there *are* two sides, so stay tuned for Part II.

It was great to see you too, although we'll have to stop meeting over specialists appointments. One of these days -not in six month and maybe not even in twelve- but one day we'll go dancing together. ;)

...and you have to scan that pic and send me a copy!
love,
-OSM

[prism]

~ah~ one of the largest, longest, saddest stories in my life~
I was told my neurological problems were psychosomatic for a literal 20 years! It's hard to fathom even now.
It just goes to show you how much we don'T know~
and how mucH we should trust our own gut level instincts. (I knew it wasn't All in my head All along)
I really enjoy how you framed the telling of the hypothetical story~ I can't wait to read part two!

HUGZ~
Wising you a rainbow,
zoe
www.CarePages.com (prismed)

[Joy]

I have a friend who visits the doctor probably once a week and switches doctors 2x a year. She seems to get the newest problems that appear on the news. When she gets a new prescription the first thing she does is checks the side effects. Hours later she has each effect. One time she claimed to be having a seisure at her house. I went over and she was obviously pretending to flail all over her bed. I did all I could do to not laugh. She is a single mother of a 13 year old girl who is constantly worried about her, often staying home from school playing sick but obviously just doent want to leave her mother home alone. Recently my 3 year old and I had a 3 day cold, day 2 we had a fever, day 3 we started to get back to normal. She made a visit to our house during this time. I told her to leave cause we were sick and I didnt want her to get it. (I knew she would "get sick" in a matter of days) Sure enough, but it was "a worse strain" with a higher fever, SEVERE chest conjestion, etc. I am at my witts end with the dramatics. Yesterday she came over, got right on the computer looking up a new pain killer she was on, started reading the dangerous side effects. One of them was hallucinations. I wanted to cry! I thought of an excuse as quick as possible to get her out before the "birds started flying around the room" What do I do???? When she is not in this state she is absolutely wonderful, funny, smart, helpful... I have talked with her about her prescription abuse and this hypochondria stuff two separate times to no avail...any advise

[One Sick Mother]

Joy,

Thanks for posting. I don't think I am truly qualified to give advice but I am going to give this a go.

First I want to say I never wrote part II of this piece, which was the other side: What if a person has no physical ailments, but still insists on trying to find some?

This is a completely different issue to Part I which assumes a person is really sick and suffering with an invisible condition, but does not appear so to the outside world.

True hypochondria is a different story altogether. So is Munchausen's syndrome. Hypochondria is an anxiety disorder, where the person is genuinely terrified of getting sick, and of every little cough or cold. Munchausen's Syndrome involves a person who pretends to be sick in order to receive attention. In extreme cases of Munchausen's a person can actually posion or injure themselves to meet this end. I am grossly generalizing here, naturally. There could be more disorders around these topics and there is definitely more nuance within these disorders. But there is only so much information one can impart in a blog comment. You can research both of these topics in more detail on sites that specialize in this stuff.

I do think in cases of both hypochondria and Munchausen's, the person needs professional help. Indeed, in straight drug-seeking behavior (which your friend may also exhibit), professional help may be needed too. The trick is persuading that person that he or she needs help.

It is not an easy trick.

You could try talking to other friends and family of your friend and see if they see the same thing and if they are willing to speak with her about it. maybe if she hears the same thing from multiple people in the same week, she will take your concerns more seriously? But you do have to tread carefully with this stuff. there is always the risk of alienating her too.

I feel for your situation, I do. But the only solid advice I can give you is this:

1. Research these conditions as much as you can.

2. Research local options for you and for her. Maybe there is a local support group for one or both of you, where you can meet people with real experience of these disorders, who can advise you more practically?

I hope this helps some.

Good luck,

OSM.

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