Intellectual Disabilities and Sexuality

There was a call put out by Dave at Chewing The Fat a few months to blog about disabilities and sexuality in honor of Valentine's day. This is my contribution:

There was a kid lived in our neighborhood whose name was Sidney. Not Sid, Siddo or any of the silly nicknames Dublin kids give each other: He was Sidney.

Sidney didn't have a nickname because Sidney had an intellectual disability.  I guess the lack of nickname -incidental and unintentional as it might have been- was just another way for us kids to mark his difference.  Or maybe it was his mother's attempt to preserve his dignity.  I don't know. I just know he was the only kid -certainly the only boy- around our neighborhood who was called by his proper, full name.

I didn't see much of Sidney growing up. He didn't live right in our neighborhood, but next to it. He attended different schools than we did. My friend N. knew him slightly, having attended some kind of summer program with him once. He sometimes used to come by on his bike when we girls were playing kickball in the lane. He would ride nearby, apparently craving our company, but if we tried to talk to him or invite him to play with us, he turned his bike and rode away.

Years passed and we girls grew older and more womanly -especially me, who was cursed with a 40's pin-up bod at 14 (that didn't last, unfortunately).  When I was maybe 17, I ran into Sidney again one day when I was walking through his neighborhood with my trusty German Shepherd.  The guy had grown.  He was about 6'3" and 200lbs.  He recognized me and fell into step beside me, staring so hard at my breasts, I am amazed he didn't walk into traffic.  I don't remember the conversation, except it was very awkward,  Sidney kept trying to clumsily turn the subject to my underclothes, and I kept the confused dog firmly between us.  I want to stress that despite the guy's size (I am 5'3"), I never felt threatened or intimidated by him, just very uncomfortable at his subject choices.

I decided several weeks ago to write about this, and I have tried to honestly think back and remember my thoughts and feelings at the time.  I realized during that conversation that an intellectual disability will not diminish one's natural wants, feelings and desires. I understood then that Sidney's disability posed a huge hindrance to the boy/girl interaction and communication that goes on: the flirting, Significant Looks, wordplay, smiles and all those little verbal and non-verbal communications were not something about which Sidney would ever have a clue.  He would never have the banter and easy charm of the nicknamed kids. And I could feel his desperate need and loneliness, although it scared me at the time.

Many years have passed since that encounter and I am now the mother of a boy (and a girl) with special needs.  Age and motherhood have given me a lot of insights now that I didn't have at 17 (although I don't think my 17yo self was completely without insight).  I know NOW that a lot of people with intellectual and developmental disabilities do not have a lot of the "in-built" functions that we normies take for granted. They do not inherently understand how to tell or respond to a joke or how to initiate interaction with peers. My own son at 3yo was non-verbal, yet he craved the attention of other kids. His way of getting that attention was to run up to them in the playground and body-slam them.  Needless to say, this did not usually have the desired effect.  It took some work to change this behavior.

It occurred to me that like Joe in the playground, Sidney was long-ago employing similar sledgehammer tactics to a kid-glove problem. Because he had never been taught differently. And trust me, these skills CAN be taught.

It was true in Ireland back then, and it is probably true through most of the world now, that kids with special needs are not taught how to deal with their sexual feelings. They are probably taught about what is appropriate behavior in public. Other than that, they are left to hide their needs and shame behind closed doors.  And education is such an easy solution. I don't mean education about the mechanics or consequences. Not gruesome pictures of venereal disease. I mean education about the social and emotional aspects of interpersonal relations. And safe situations in which to socialize.

I have been thinking a lot about this. In my limited experience, the people I have known who can love -I mean really flat-out, unrestrained, completely and totally  LOVE -without conditions or complications- are people with intellectual disabilities. To deny education about how to apply that love denies not only the potential giver, but also those who could be receiving it. Because many disabled people, without  knowledge and learned skills, will chose not to risk the interaction at all, not risk rejection or ridicule, but will instead turn their figurative bike and ride away.

To huge potential losses on both sides.

Comments

[Ruth Palatnik]

Well-written! I was educated early on that the disabled have sexual needs. Our neighbors had a son with intellectual disabilities, and (I think at the urging of the boy's mother)my mom told me to be aware of this. Not to be scared, but to be carefull.

[dave hingsburger]

Hear, Hear, I am pounding my desk shouting, Hear, Hear

[yanub]

You are so right. Even people with quite profound intellectual disabilities need to learn about their sexuality. There is far too much unnecessary shame, frustration and fear that could be alleviated through training, education, and avoidance of prudery.

[Heather]

I am reminded of a young woman with intellectual disabilities from our neighborhood. She desparately wanted a baby and had inappropriate behaviors around men, much to the embarrassment of her brother whose friends were often the target of her vamping. I often wonder how much of her desire for a baby was part of a desire for an actual child and how much was a desire for physical intimacy. She never got the chance for either.

[Lisa Moon]

I am absolutely in awe of your well written, thoughtful and honest use of both your recollections and your current situation.

Brava, my dear. And to the previous commenters, I heartily agree and thank them for their thoughts as well. I could not wish for a more heartfelt posting on this subject.

[Iwa]

I have a diagnosis of ASD and feel for the situation you are describing, there is also the fact that people with intellectual disabilities or impared social skills can become prey to unwanted attention. ASD disorders in particular can create a kind of 'innocence' that is attractive to slightly more dominant personalities & the ASD sufferer does not always know how to fend these interests off, hence getting into all kinds of difficult circumstances.

At 37 I am now twice married, having two children whom I raise on my own despite having ASD, Tourettes, ME & a mood disorder, it's incredibly difficult to say the least.

I have had very little success in securing a normal relationship and have become so afraid about the potential for abuse that i am now settled into a very distance 'friendship' with someone who is also on the spectrum, with whom I have a sexual connection. i don't think I will ever be able to bring about the kind of intamacy that I trully crave because being with a NT person is simply too confusing & difficult for both myself and them.

I have started writing a short blog (can't concentrate for long), it has some poems & two pieces of writing on my thoughts about being on the spectrum. I have a son who is autistic & starting to show signs of TS, I will eventually write more insights on the subject of ASD because I think I have been able to help my son considerably though no doubt my own limitations will actually inhibit this fully.

[BWN]

My daughter, autistic, is 14. Due to her small "supermodel" physique, we dress her like "a little Mormon girl." Very conservative and not revealing at all. If she had her choices, she'd rather wear the BabyHo styles you find at Target and WalMart. NO WAY. She has no grasp of personal safety, especially from a social facet.

She has a classmate who is her boyfriend, also autistic, and their limitations seem complementary. He seems better able to grasp some social abstractions, but she is more extroverted.

He is in the Unitarian Universalist "Our Whole Lives" program, which explicitely but with respect and communication TEACHES respect, communication, and awareness of one's own and respect for others' sexuality. At this time, at least, I think my daughter has the perfect friend for her developmental place.

Not enough people are addressing this subject in any kind of healthy, non-patronizing way. Good to see your contribution.