Invisible Disabilities: Depression.

I have been in a deep but short-lived depression for the past ten days or so. I think it was hormone related in my case.  Because of my funk, I missed some important stuff, like Blogging Against Disablism Day and I am pissed with myself about that. But better late than never! This post is my unofficial contribution.

Of all the invisible disabilities, I think severe depression is probably the most insidious. Because most people think they understand what depression is all about:  Everyone gets sad. Everyone has had loss, disappointments or setbacks in their lives, so that's the same as depression, right? 

Wrong. 

Or they think severe depression is relatively common and easily cured. Just take a happy pill and you will be fine, right?  Well, sometimes medication does help. And sometimes it doesn't.  There are lots of drugs and advertisements for drugs out there (cue sad music: "Where does depression hurt?...) which will sneakily if inadvertently (or deliberately?) back up people's misconceptions.

In my opinion, it is more dangerous to think you understand a condition like depression and to act accordingly, than to admit you really haven't a clue and to question/research the thing. Because if you question, you learn. Whereas if you assume you know... well, chances are probably >90% that you don't know everything and much  of what you do know is probably wrong.

Still, many people think they get it.

Many people are wrong.

Personally, and despite the fact that I am writing this post; I don't fully understand severe depression. I'm not ashamed to admit that. I think people who suffer with severe depression probably don't understand it either. Or they do, but the understanding doesn't help. It is one thing to understand that you are depressed because you are bipolar or have PMDD or low serotonin. But understanding the "why" doesn't make one feel any better, although it may provide some tools or clues about how to address the problem.

Despite all I have been through recently, I don't generally suffer with depression -my serotonin levels are naturally elevated for some unknown reason. This recent funk I suffered (it really does no merit being called a depression. I have looked into the holes into which some of my friends have fallen, and the one I was in was nothing. A mere undulation in the landscape when compared to a real depression) was a little reminder to myself that I am lucky. I would far rather have seizures and some of the shit I have been dealing with that a real-life, full-out, balls-to-the wall depression. I know some people very close to me who have suffered with very severe depression and I have lived with them and talked with them while they went through it.

It is truly awful.

Someone I know who is recovering from a very severe depression said "you have no idea what it is like not to have had a happy thought for 3½ years" That was said perfectly seriously, no exaggeration.

That's right. I have no idea. I tried to picture it in my head. Tried to imagine gleaning no joy from life whatsoever, and yet still getting out of bed everyday. Still eating, shopping; going through the motions. I couldn't. I can't. Even in  some of my darkest hours, say when convulsing violently and being worked on in the ER, I have laughed at a joke a nurse has made (that got me some funny looks, I tell you).

There are many awful aspects to depression. Most people cannot grasp the overwhelmingness (yes it's a word.  Now.) of most of them. Some of the awfulness comes from well-meaning people who don't get it and are trying -in their own ham-fisted way- to help. So they give pep talks. Or they say shit like

1. "why don't you just snap out of it?"
2. "can't you just pull yourself up by your bootstraps and get on with your life?" 
3. "how about counseling?"

...and these are not necessarily bad suggestions in themselves, but the answers usually go something like this:

1. um.. You think I didn't TRY that?  But I can't snap out of depression any more than I could snap out of ...say ...Multiple sclerosis.  Or diabetes. 
2. No. I can't. See answer #1
3. If I could leave the house, counseling would be lovely.  Do shrinks make house calls?

So the well-meaning friends start to back away, feeling helpless and useless and the depressed person, having lost most of their friends, gets even more depressed.

It is a vicious cycle.

Here's the thing with depression. Here is the thing most people don't understand:  When you are depressed, everything is very difficult. Everything is a drain.  Everything uses up "spoons" (which may be few to begin with).

Everything.

• It is difficult to drag yourself out of bed.
• It is overwhelming to shower.
• Making decisions -even simple ones like what to have for breakfast can be anxiety riddled
• Simple tasks, with multiple steps,  like cooking a meal or doing a couple of loads of laundry can take all of one's concentration and therefore, one's strength and be overwhelming.
• For some: There is no happiness in the world. it is like having your own personal Dementor, who follows you around everywhere you go, who thankfully, doesn't effect those with whom you come in contact.
• Paperwork: Forget it. It just isn't happening. Waaaaay too overwhelming...

Most depressives are engaged in a massive struggle against depression all day, every day. This struggle is exhausting. It is like trying to swim in a giant vat of molasses, with more molasses pouring down on your head each time you break surface. You keep struggling just to get your head clear. Forget the rest of you. You are struggling just to breathe.

Other people can't see the molasses. 

They just see a person going nowhere, struggling and depressed, for no particular reason.

Depression is very isolating for two main reasons:

• Depressives tend not to reach or to people for various reasons: They may not want to get the other person down, They may not be able to get it together to go out, or to pick up the phone or even send an e-mail or text. They may fear rejection.
• People tend not to reach out to depressives because they may think that the depressed person has chosen their isolation and doesn't want to see anyone. Or they may think there is nothing to say -on either side. They may feel that the depressed person brings them down (and it may be true).

But one thing I have learned about depressives from people in my own life is to keep contact with  them.  Keep the door and lines of communication open. Arrange a regular activity, like to drop by once a week and watch a DVD together -something not taxing. It will help. maybe not immediately but it will.

The best way to help a depressed person is to accept that they are depressed. You may not understand it. Hell, they may not understand it, but if you accept that this is how things are right now, stop trying to change them back to a non depressed state, and accept who they are NOW, things will be a lot easier for both of you.

Comments

[fridawrites]

Send in your link if you haven't--Goldfish will include it! Mine was turned in late too--I was exhausted after helping my grandparents at court yesterday.

[fridawrites]

Great post, and I agree with reaching out to others.

[Quirky Mom]

This is beautiful. I am a depressive, and although I cannot claim to have ever had a severe depression, I know all too intimately of what you write.

I feel a need to quibble with one point, however, because I think it can be dangerous. You said that in depression, "There is no happiness in the world. it is like having your own personal Dementor, who follows you around everywhere you go, who thankfully, doesn't effect those with whom you come in contact."

I've known several people who failed to realize they were depressed for quite some time because they believed what you say to be true, when it isn't necessarily so. For some depressed people, it is that way. There truly is NO happiness. But for many of us, the happiness can still happen, it is just different... perhaps shallower, shorter-lived, easily replaced with all the other things that consume a depressed person. I just want to make sure that people know that they can be depressed even if they do experience bits of happiness here and there. (I know that I can be.)

[John Folk-Williams]

Thank you! You nailed this, and I appreciate your excellent to those who don't understand severe depression and just can't face those who have it. For me, it's been a lifelong struggle, and I'm happy to say that I believe it's finally over.

I've written about my experience over the past couple of years, and that has helped enormously. And my hope is that it has helped others.

Your empathy is remarkable. I'm so glad I discovered this site (through Twitter) and will get back often.

John

[One Sick Mother]

Frida,
Thanks. I might amble over there, although I'm sure Goldfish is up to her dorsal fin in work right now.

Yes reaching out to others and accepting them for who they are is huge.

QM,
Thanks for the support.
Good point about that line. You are right. I changed it.

John,
Thanks for the validation. It is always a bit scary to write about something you mainly know second-hand.

I am going to recommend your site to some of my friends, on who inspired me to write this piece. I am sure it will help them.

I am surpprised to learn you heard of OSM through Twitter, as I don't Tweet, I guess at least one of my readers does (thank you anonymous reader).

-OSM

[yanub]

Oh, you have said what I could never manage to explain. Having spent years in the grip of depression, I would far rather face almost anything than depression. I've been mostly OK for the past 4 or 5 years, but the fallout from the years in depression continues to haunt me. I accept that it always will and that there is nothing to be done for what is past. I only wish that, for those who are going through now what I have been through already, that there was the sort of understanding you are showing here instead of the callousness that still largely prevails.

Quirky Mom, you are so right about not being completely joyless. Everyday, there were always things that made me glad. They were just small and the dark was big. Still, I was grateful for them.

[Lucinda Bain]

From someone who has suffered with depression I can say that everything you have written is so true and it does help a depressed person to realize that they are not the only one out there who is miserable. As you said, drugs don't help everyone, as I have tried most and have only gained weight, not happiness nor any feeling of wanting to actually *do* something productive. Those feelings of "why am I even here, I don't contribute to anyone's well being or life, in general, you feel so inadequate and useless. I have had the same instances of people saying, but, if you'll just once get started (whatever it is) you'll find that you fell so much better or... if you just get out of that house, you'll feel so much better...NOT !!!!

Thank you for your insightful post and God Bless You and all those who suffer with depression.

Lucinda (So. Illinois)
I also found a link on twitter to your post:
RT @ConquerMS One Sick Mother: Invisible Disabilities: Depression. http://bit.ly/1a8N8v-- This is a GREAT post8:44 AM May 2nd from TwitterFox

[Roanmom]

My dear friend! Thank you for this. Unfortunately I am a "moderate" depressive and yes you nailed it!!!