So Joe has been trying to come to terms with all I have told him recently, about having Asperger's syndrome and being different. I can see the struggle in him sometimes and I feel bad. He has made a few comments, too and asked me questions he has asked before like "why are you always pushing me?" and "why do I have to have Speech Therapy(/Summer School/resource room/etc)?". However, he is now asking them with a new, negative twist; something about those three years he regained, as if he didn't have to do any more work because he regained them.
I had been afraid of this, so I decided to have A Talk with him to clear up any misconceptions. Because it was obvious to me that there were a few.
It emerged during the course of our talk, that Joe thought I was trying to "fix" him. To somehow 'cure' him of his "Joeness" and turn him into a normal kid. That broke my heart for several reasons. First of all, I figured Joe must have thought that I thought he somehow wasn't 'right' or up to par. In other words; Joe felt rejected by me.
And the other reason is that this is the age-old problem of
an Autistic Spectrum disorder. That people with Autism feel that the normies
are out to make them one of us.
Except he wasn't getting it.
And we talked a lot more.
One of Joe's concerns (Renee, you will appreciate this) was that he was afraid that the more he progressed, the more he would lost his "gifts", most notably his synesthesia. I told him that if Synesthesia is going to leave him, it will leave him anyway (many people outgrow it in puberty) and refusing to learn other skills for fear of losing synesthesia might backfire and he could lose out twice.
And we talked about Asperger's Syndrome. Joe had two concerns about this:
His first concern was that it might get "worse" like when he first "got" it (i.e. when he had his huge Autistic Regression at 19 months). I explained that this was very highly unlikely, unless he was poisoned or something (by mercury. ...and yes. I am one of those parents, but not militantly).
His other concern of course, was the flipside of this coin: That he would lose his Asperger's syndrome, which is very much part of him and one of the things that make him "Joe". I explained that he would always have some Asperger's syndrome; - it doesn't go away, and he would always be Joe.
We talked for a long time: We talked about school, college, jobs, friends -both regular and "with gifts" (-Joe's term meaning "special needs"). I explained that learning to interact with regular people, which he will need to do in his adult life, will not make him a regular person. It will make him a person with Asperger's who can deal well with regular people. That kid is a very deep thinker and capable of understanding some very mature concepts (I do simplify the language). He amazes me.
I think it is pretty much normal that kids think their parents don't like them as they are. What's unusual is having a good enough relationship to be able to discuss those concerns.
Posted by: yanub | July 24, 2009 at 03:51 AM
Introverted kids can get too fond of being themselves. He should realise that his body and his needs will not remain the same, and that his current situation cannot continue indefinitely.
We are all forced into great changes as we grow. We all have to learn survival skills that we didn't really want to know. It's a competition out there with arbitrary rules, and the losers are living under overpasses and eating garbage.
Posted by: David Byrden | July 24, 2009 at 05:01 AM