One Sick Mother

New Adventures in Food

Grace announced a few weeks ago that has been having stomach cramps and gas shortly after meals. She thinks she might be lactose intolerant. Himself's first question was "are any of your friends lactose intolerant?" The answer to this was yes. Of course, yes! This is America in the 21st century. So Himself chalked it down to an attention thing. Or a 'fitting in' thing. But not a digestive thing.

I wasn't so sure. Grace has known this other girl for years and her lactose intolerance had been a source of pity rather than awe.  After all, what kid is envious of a girl who can't eat icecream? 

 So we cut out dairy and made a doctor's appointment. Cutting out dairy helped ...somewhat, but not as much as I'd hoped. I figured maybe there was hidden dairy in some of the foods to which she reacted. 

Then -after weeks (hoilday season)- the doctor finally called back with the results of her celiac panel. "All clear except one test. I'd like you to try her without gluten for awhile and see how she does"

Like it's that easy.

I broke the news to Grace. She was OK with no bread. She could live with no pasta. However the prosptct of losing cookies, banana bread and brownies made her face fall. We concentrated on stuff she can have (remember we are still holding off on dairy for now): rice, corn, beans, meat, fish eggs, chicken, salads; all fruits and vegetables. "Oh!" she said. "Thats' a very healthy diet."

Indeed it is.

I would have liked more time to plan. I am a decent cook, but a lot of my fearlessness in the kitchen comes from always having a plan B. If my latest experiment is inedible to one or both kids, I can throw together a noodle bowl or defrost one of my more edible creations in just a few minutes. Or if all else fails, we can run to Wendys. 

So I would have liked time to build up  a few solid dishes that I can make with my eyes closed; to find a few alternative culinary safety nets  and to explore some of the substitutions/sites. I had found that an oil-based roux worked almost as happily as a butter based one, but now I have to cook without a roux to bail me out. Little things like that.

On Monday, Grace came home complaining that her stomach has hurt after both breakfast and lunch. I know what she had for breakfast. I had cooked it. There had been no dairy, but she had eaten bread. And her lunch was the same: dairy-free but on a hamburger bun. 

So I decided right then to just go gluten free and wing it. Pulled a stew out of the freezer for dinner and changed plans for the rest of the week. We've been eating a lot of rice.  Paella and risotto were on the menu so far this week. I already found a refrigerator standby for Grace: an Italian white-bean salad.  So if she doesn't like my dinner, she won't starve. I found soem gluten-free bread to keep in the freezer too, but I plan to make my own.

I choose to look at this as an opportunity to explore new food horizons, rather than whine about stuff we can't eat. There will be plenty of Indian food in our future, too. And tasty Thai rice noodles. Lots of people live just fine without eating lasagna. Not Garfield, of course.

...but he's a cartoon.

I'l try adding dairy back into Grace's diet soon. If she doesn't react that will be a great thing. Ice cream  and yogurt will be back on the menu for her.  

The baking thing, though: I'll have to figure that one out. But it's an adventure, not a challenge, Right?

RIGHT?

The Best Parenting Advice I Ever Received

When Joe was first identified as having special needs, we did the typical kneejerk reaction of doing All The Research and implementing All The Services. We placed him in a special preschool and we dutifully attended all of the meetings, seminars, support groups, playgroups and other activities as much as we possibly could.

Joe made zero progress at that place and we removed him after a year.

However, Himself and meself learned a lot about parenting a special needs child. Or any child, actually, as the same stuff -a lot of which is plain common sense-  works for typical kids, too. So we don't consider that year wasted at all. Joe made no progress, but we made HUGE progress, which of course, benefitted both kids over the long term. 

The particular advice referenced in the title was learned in a seminar on special needs parenting. I can't remember the woman's name, which is unfortunate as I think I owe her my sanity. I would like to have credited her with that.  

The advice went like this:

"Think very carefully before you say "No"".

She then expanded: ""No" can turn into a battle very easily and come down to a battle of wills; a quest for control. If there is any way that you might be browbeaten and harrangued into changing your mind, just say "yes" upfront. That way you retain control of the situation and are still the boss."

The other part of this -an essential part- is the conditional yes.

"Mom? Can I have a cookie?"

"Sure! Right after  you finish your dinner"

So not saying no, but placing a condition and onus on the kid.

That seminar was probably 12 years ago and I have lived this advice for all that time. It has worked well for me. There have definitely been times when "no" has been n the tip of my tongue, but I asked myself  do I really want to do this now? Do I really want to have a Big Battle over this insignificant-in-the-greater-scheme-of-things ...thing NOW? And the answer was usually "No". No I didn't want that battle. So I said "yes". And the world didn't end because I caved. Mainly because the kid didn't know that I'd caved. He (or she) just heard "yes" and went off happy.  

People might think this approach turns you into a complete pushover. It doesn't. The kids learn when they can ask for stuff and they learn that there are usually responsibilities to fulfill before they get stuff.  It also makes for a lot less fights and power struggles. And of course, I will still say "no" to the big stuff and stand my ground quite happily on those issues. It's mainly the small stuff that's a default "yes". I pick my battles.

And because the default word in our house is "yes" rather than "no"; this makes for an overall more positive environment. These things are pervasive.

Finally,  -at least once- this parenting trick provided a stranger in the supermarket with a good laugh. Grace was then around three:

"Mom can I have a puppy?"

"Sure! When you're 35."

"OK!" (happy).